INSTROSPECTING!!

I recently read someone’s blog and it was written there in a very poetic language that as she’s staring out of the window, all that she thinks about is when will that future come that will relieve her of the present she is living. In other words, she was desperately waiting for the future, in the hope that her present misery goes off. And then she was also afraid what if the future never comes-the future that she specifically wants doesn’t materialize.
Pretty thought provoking I must say.
Depressing too..Isn’t it? Living in the hope that someday you lead a better life, and you just hope that, that hope just doesn’t diminish….
I remember living that way for sometime in 2002 to be precise. I had done badly in my 12th, got into a college that was not counted among the academic greats, but obviously. The saving grace was being able to study economics-a coveted subject, but at that point of time I was the only girl from south Kolkata and one of the very few with English medium background and the only student from isc ,in the college. I don’t know why not being able to fit in was such a big deal then. I mean of course I was friendly to the rest and so were they but somewhere I was dissatisfied. The whole Bengali medium north Kolkata culture thing got me down and in my tuitions I was deliberately making friends in the tuitions to hep south Kolkata people. I did not even fit in there. Weekend parties, club hoping, pub culture and all that were pretty infeasible then. Plus if and when I did participate I was so lonely.
My self esteem was at its worst. I had this constant guilt factor weighing me down, that I was the culprit behind all this misery-if only I had studied in my 12th.plus there was this constant foray of relatives and so called well wishers with there ever present list of suggestions and advices.
I was aghast. I really remember being disgusted with myself, losing confidence, having bouts of self pity, and in other words having a severe identity crisis.
I wanted to be someone else, not myself. The only problem was I did not know who was the person I wanted to be..Or rather what type I wanted top fit in like hand in gloves….
When in 2003 that phase passed over, I was glad. Slowly I came in sync with my real self. I realized it was okay to be dissatisfied with your performance. That you actually don’t have to live the present in a blur for that elusive future to come in[read:results,here],that it was okay to like something in someone else and have the urge to do it, and that you don’t have to beat yourself up if your innate nature doesn’t allow the change. That people are such that they will criticize you when you fail, and if you succeed being whatever you are, like exactly what you were before, when you did not succed,for whatever the reason, everything of yours-the same things then become good or maybe they keep their traps shut.
I understood that feeling guilty and being miserable is not very helpful. I learnt to dissect the reason behind the guilt and work upon it, being sure not to repeat it, at least not in the same way.[;)]I really learnt that not being perfect even in your own mind scale, and yet being happy is very much possible.
And boy does success change people around you or what? Most of the lessons that I learnt in human relations were during this period.
Given a choice I would never ever want to experience that feeling again, but I’m glad I did experience it.
Really so.