Rambling

Sometimes its difficult to comprehend why things are happening to you,the way they are.

Destiny has strange ways of shaking you up,grounding you to the reality.

There's a whole new perspective to things.

It is indeed very refreshing to be in focus,not to lose sight of the picture and not procrastinate.

Sometimes its cathartic to not let things be out of mind when they are literally out of sight.To hold on to the sight,and endeavor towards it is the key.

COre

Hit rock bottom

then came epiphany

Am surprisingly upbeat despite the things around me looking bleak and somber

just two words for revamping

focus and sincerity.

:-)
(reader never mind,move on to the next post)

Bolt from the blue

Everything seemed right,nice and quiet
Till there was an uncharacteristic jolt,
That shook the quietude and the serenity of the soul
I Got caught in its mesh and was engulfed in its fury
It submerged every shred of reason and sanity I had,
And then it stopped,as abruptly it had come,just like that
and all that was left behind was smoke arising out of a dusty road,
and me standing alone,forlorn.
Finally it brought a realization that rocked me to the core.

Darkness and light

Asatho Maa Sad Gamaya Thamaso Maa Jyothir Gamaya Mrithyor Maa Amritham Gamaya

Meaning:
Lead me from untruth to truth; Lead me from darkness to light; Lead me from death to immortality.


A skeleton tumbles out of my closet,Stares at me eye to eye
I stare back at it with disbelief,My eyes wide open
A feeling of queasiness and dejection overpower me,
I find myself plummeting down a pitch dark pit
My throat is dry and parched and a fear,a dread envelopes me
I'm cold,I'm shivering and I'm immobile.
I have lost all sense of time,the noises around me have dimmed,
I hear nothing,I see nothing,i feel only fear.

Suddenly I'm stirred,
I take a deep breath,Count to ten,try to focus,
A train of thoughts whiz past me,I try to hold on to them,
Try to make some sense of the indecipherable,incoherent mess
I try to keep my emotions at bay,It takes a lot of effort.
All I feel is an emptiness deep down,a sinking feeling.
But I know life has to go on,denial is no solution,
The burden has to be borne

I hope Time will ease the pain,will heal the wound,
I hope to see the light soon,I start to gather myself up.
Even if I limp,If I struggle,I have to trudge along,My goal has to be reached.
All is not yet lost,But I want to see ,when I look back to this time now,
That this has been a turning point,a rise of the phoenix from the ashes,
A new beginning from a decay,
I want to see amidst the distress,bruise and anguish ,
a lesson has been learnt,and learnt well

Today

Today I don't want poignant silences,I want to pour my heart out
Today I don't want to hear the crickets chirping,I want to sing out loud
Today I don't want to contemplate,I want to throw my head back and laugh
Today I don't want to hold onto any grudges,I want to let go
Today I don't want to daydream looking at white fluffy clouds,I want to fly,
higher and higher,With my wings spread out.
Today I don't want to choke,I want to be silly and unperturbed and carefree.

Me

I walk,I sprint,I escape
I stumble,I falter and I drop down,
I cringe,I endure,I sigh
I gather myself up and I limp.

In the end however,I realize,
I still love to smile,want to live life,
even if its just for myself.
And so,I trudge along.

Words & music by Paul Simon

You got to learn how to fall
Before you learn to fly
And mama, mama it ain't no lie
Before you learn to fly
Learn how to fall

one of the things

I realized every time while I'm reading something or watching a film,I have to pause it at regular intervals.Not because I'm bored,and need to take a break,but because something invariably is written in the book,or some dialogue being said in the movie,or some scenes take place that get me thinking.I try to get a perspective of the author or the screen writer.And boom I'm in the "analysis" mode.I don't know why I have to read between the lines.Why I have to sit and contemplate and feel the things,the emotions they portray.I don't know why I try and put myself in the shoes of the character and wonder whether I would have reacted the same way in the situation.Why I try and see if I,being myself have ever faced this before,and how I have reacted to it,and why had I reacted the way I did.

This is why a 120 minutes film gets over in 5 hrs,and a book which ought to be finished in 3 days take 5 days.

Sometimes I wish I could read and watch movies in an unconcerned,in an unaffected way.
But that would make me so placid and dead.
No I'd much rather be "involved".My life vibrates with the throbbing..

Music

My life's stringed through many a song,
Which articulate the palette of emotions,
Moments of joy,splendor and speechlessness.
Moments of longing,agony and despair.

A drive down the lonesome highway,
With just the blue skies and lush green trees,
On either sides,
And the i Pod playing a track.

The long heavy sigh in my heart,
And the moisture in my closed eyes,
Force upon me the realization,
of what I lack.

The dream to love,the dream of holding hands,
The dream of a passionate embrace,
Kissing in the rain with a song in my mind,
With my heart thumping hard.

Many a times when words have failed,
Songs have been my only friend.
There have been times when I couldn't express,
Even with gestures I do best,
That's when I have hoped for the lyrics to do the rest.

Music brings in the moment,when nothing else matters,
Neither the pain of losing,nor the passion of want.
I know that music will be my life long friend,In my journey along.
'Tis What I hum even in the bustling crowd.
it is one of the very few things that can never go wrong

Vain..

Vain attempts to let go
familiar reversion of the mind,
the cries of anguish and despair
A feeling of disappointment and disbelieve
stares at me.
My attempts of dismemberment,
goes in vain.
Nothing fits,none can reassure,
The tears won't stream down
as obstinate as they are,
The heart aches at the
Futility of it all.

Hope

Why is that when all reasons,all sense of logic tells me I'm staring into a dead end,my heart refuses to believe it?..why does it somewhere deep down refute all the reasoning..and cling onto a very very faint ray of hope?
a ray of hope that just refuses to die,defying all sense of logic?

I hope I'm not living in a fool's paradise..being drawn into the mirage,against my sense of reasoning..

the hope just refuses to die..

Clear blue skies,white fluffy clouds streaked across it,lush green trees with bright orangish flowers..the molten rays of the sun after a heavy rainfall..the smell of the wet earth..and fat chubby smiling Johnson powder smelling babies..


These are a few of my favorite things..always bring a smile to my face and a spring in my step..
Wish I could stall these moments..just like a photograph captures the good moments..wish I could grasp these moments in my fist..to make it mine..
But it eludes me..
Maybe that's why I treasure it so much..long for it with an aching heart..

Maybe that's why its so special

Complicated

I'm watching this flick "he's just Not that into you"..
It's a nice movie..funny and a little bit insightful too.
I still haven't quite finished it..but I had to write what came into my mind ..
which is.... it suddenly struck me its been a while I was in the dating scene although its been ages I have been single..really ages..But I really haven't been in the dating world so to speak.
Its scary..by the looks of it..guy meets you,you seem to have a nice time,he drops hints..then calls /doesn't call what could it mean...really mind boggling stuff.
I'm scared I don't wanna date..But I will have to eventually date when I wanna settle down or I do meet someone interesting enough to spur me to come out of my reluctance.

It sure is a risky proposition..but I'm guessing it will be a good experience too.
Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian..life would be a lot simpler..
Understanding men is very very complicated..and I think it's the stupid heart that gets in the way and not to mention the ego that escalates the problem manifold..

So either my pride or my heart has to stop feeling things or I rather be a lesbian..
sounds complicated?
hah!! tell me about it..

I have lost 6 kgs.
I have a very low haemoglobin count.
My blood pressure is abysmally low.
I feel lethargic and mentally exhausted even though I'm doing nothing.
The sky is perpetually overcast and its incessantly raining..there is dampness ,gloom and melancholy all over.
I had gone for a haircut to liven up my mood and the hairdresser chopped quite a lot of my tresses cos I was having split ends..
My hair is all fizzy and soggy due to the monsoons.
Added to that I have ONE central thought in my head which keeps droning like a overworked engine,even worse cos it has no tendency to stop anytime soon.It just keeps nagging at the back of my mind,like a child unattended to by the mom,except in this case giving attention to it is yielding opposite results.
To get rid of the thought there lies just one solution..to stop thinking but the thought just wont budge.No matter how much I try to think other things,divert my mind to other stuff,a voice keeps popping up and repeating.
The thought is one of a kind..its not a worry,it has no clear ball path..its just a nagging voice that tells just one thing and it starts with "but".

So in effect I have soggy chopped hair,I'm lethargic and I'm mentally exhausted trying to turn a deaf ear to the nagging..the sky is overcast and there is a damp melancholy oozing all over.And I look my worst cos I have lost 6 kgs.

Can it get any worse?

Speechless

When the picture is in my mind,its my imagination which renders the colours to it..

When words are hard to find..its my expressions that do the talking..

like the misty eyes,the lump in my throat..the coy smile,the mischievous glint..the red face..

Sometimes the sonorous silence is cathartic.. :)

Phew!!

Life is indeed a strange brew!! or rather Life is a really like box of chocolates!!


It is really very difficult to enjoy something and Not want it to last forever..
That's when it hits you that future is not in your hands..that's when you realize you are NOT in control..

Sometimes I wish I was in control..sometimes I wish its good in a way that I can't be in control-it takes away a Big responsibility off my shoulder..

I wish I could make up my mind..
I'm afraid to WANT something too badly lest I have a change of mind..

I'm also afraid to want something coz I'm not too sure if it's really good for me..
I"m also afraid to want things cos I'm afraid that I won't get them and I will be dejected!!

phew!!

I wish I had the blue print of the BIG PICTURE..
but would life be good if it were not a game? I wonder..

All i can ever do is wonder and hope that I don't make mistakes and even if I do I hope they don't become too BIG ..

I wish my thinking stopped...It sometimes is a big headache..coz all I do is go round and round the mulberry bush and in the process I don't get to enjoy what is happening..

phew!!

P.S It's a gloomy day..but I don't feel too gloomy...maybe it's cos I had a good sleep..dammit I will not think why...I don't feel gloomy..that's it..

I have to really start enjoying the journey rather than keep harping on the destination...phew!! heavy stuff there :D

sigh!!

I realized there is a a lot of difference between when you KNOW you have to accept something eventually and when you Have to accept it..

It hurts..the mind is numb.. confidence is ebbing..

It will take a while to pick up the pieces...

sigh

I think I can see a silver lining..
Acceptance does miracles to one's mood..
I think I will survive the crisis..after all the sky WILL NOT fall on my head.

It's not the end of the world..

I feel light..

I HOPE this happiness lasts..

:-)

Fear

It seems as though I'm hurtling down with no sense of any direction.It seems my roots have been severed and I've been flung-far flung actually with no sense of where I'm going,what I'm doing and why what is happening.

The inertia has been stirred.I'm restless and impatient but I know not what is it that I seek...

I know not what I want,I know not what I like is indeed the best thing,whether it will last..

I'm afraid to hope.I'm afraid to think.I'm afraid of the future.I cannot close my eyes and jump off the cliff.I'm afraid of hurting myself.I'm afraid to take a chance..

A thick pallid sky, Just like the blanket over my brain, Both slowly settling down. I dare not invoke my senses, They are too receptive for my own good...

I wonder if hope really is a good thing..
I'm afraid to hope..what if my expectations are not met?what if my dreams don't come true?what if my worst nightmares become real?



I wonder which is worse :to be an option to somebody or not even figure in the options list..

I wonder why is life so damn uncertain that the even when I'm smiling,it's not reaching my eyes..

when did this happen?
am i getting old?

Trifle

I have decided to STOP thinking the what if's.It's getting me no where.


I'm miffed with somebody.I know this will pass..


I'm missing something/somebody..
I wonder how can I miss something which is not mine..
I hope "this"passes too...

It rained heavily in the morning,and now the sun is out with full force.The sky is clear blue,the leaves of the trees are glistening,and a cool breeze is blowing.It's a mood brightening noon,indeed..

Sometimes I have so much to write that I don't know from where to start..Sometimes I have the same old things to talk about..and I wonder what to write..
Sometimes I want to write but can't do a half baked job..Sometimes I don't want to write..Sometimes I don't want to anything and I wonder how do I bide away my time..

I wish life could be planned.I wish there were no uncertainties.I wish life was predictable.That it was NOT a whirlwind of activity which brought about the ripples that caused so much unrest..

Comfortably Numb

I have all the freedom in the world now.I have all the time in my hands,like I have always wanted.No constraints seem to bind me.Yet I want to take a sabbatical from it all.All of a sudden I want to be left alone.I don't feel like talking,I don't feel like meeting people.I don't like the bonhomie.I want to be all alone,by myself surrounded with big fat books,music and paintings that I love.I want to be transported to a sun kissed beach,with the waves caressing my feet,and the orange hues of sun spreading across to welcome an idyllic dawn...I want to be under a orange blue sky,amidst lush green trees
I don't think I have all the freedom..I'm still stuck in my room...

But I really do want to take some time off from everybody and everything..do things at my pace.I wish the incessant noise in my mind,in my brain just stopped. I want to be away from the din,the cacophony,the clamor.

I want to "become comfortably numb.."

Today I was going to the South City mall,to watch a film(Madly Bangalee) at the multiplex.At this place Taratala,I had to switch autos.As I went near the auto stand and asked which auto was south city bound, I was pointed at a direction by a person,presumably an auto driver ,and he told someone there to tell me exactly which one to get up on.While I was walking in that direction,this tall bespectacled guy in three quarter pants,and a T shirt with a stubble flipped his fingers to beckon me.I thought cool..
Two minutes later I realized he was the auto driver.More than being disappointed I was startled.In kolkata,and I presume in India,it is very easy to "classify" drivers.I don't know but somehow you just know one,when you see one..just like when you know someone is a student or a lecturer.

This bespectacled cool guy,well dressed with a stubble did not fit in at all.It was like fish out of water.I don't know why,but it startled me.

I wish everybody took a cue from this guy and dressed in a way that it would be difficult to tell who is what,what kind of a financial status they belonged to,what they do for a living.I so wish a day comes when we just can't "classify" and judge others on the basis of appearance,of any kind.

Shalalala

I'm feeling happy..very happy;;;"my heart goes shalalala" kinda happy!!!
I think it's going to rain..
I'm going to see a movie with my best friend..

All nice and good things happening after what seems to be like an eternity.

psst. ..psst I hope this ecstatic mood lasts longer and doesn't disintegrate like a delusion.

touch wood!

Head and heart;;Heart and head

You give me pain, but you bring me pleasure
Get out of my life
You bring me pain, but you give me pleasure
Don't know what I like
-Judas Priest

I loathe it when my head and my heart are divergent in it's views and opinion.I strongly believe in the fact that the head is above the heart.But I have tough time-a really hard time when I have to listen to my head and my heart is totally uninterested.I know I should follow my head,but the pain that my heart generates in having to align itself with my head is overwhelming.It leaves me dejected and discombobulated.

Presently I'm going through this phase when my heart refuses to listen to any kind of logic my head is providing with.I'm thus an emotionally high strung bitch who is all jittery and vexed-snapping at people who want to help me and who care for me.

I hate my heart at the moment.It's making me give importance to unwanted things and unimportant people.I seem to find no energy and spirit in doing any thing.I'm all sullen.

I'm seeing blue all around me.I don't like it.

I wish I could trust Dire Straits when they sing this:

Baby I see this world has made you sad
Some people can be bad
The things they do, the things they say
But baby Ill wipe away those bitter tears
Ill chase away those restless fears
That turn your blue skies into grey

Why worry, there should be laughter after the pain
There should be sunshine after rain
These things have always been the same
So why worry now

sombre

“When the spirits are low, when the day appears dark, when work becomes monotonous, when hope hardly seems worth having, just mount a bicycle and go out for a spin down the road, without thought on anything but the ride you are taking.”-Arthur Canon Doyle

My mind is in a turmoil.I know not what to do.Nothing seems right.I have so much to do and there is so little time.I'm feeling down,I'm feeling lonely..Nothing feels good..My health is suffering,I feel lethargic,yet I cannot rest,nor do I feel "upto it"

There is something seriously wrong.My spirits are low.I feel my confidence is down in the dumps.I don't even feel like doing anything-not even the things I like,yet I want to do them so much.

Is it my health or is it my mind?"the spin down the road" seems like a Herculean task right now,even metaphorically..

I wish I could shed tears to let the obscure burden be off,but they seem to have dried up..

I feel like I'm in a abyss- a pitch dark gloomy mess

Morning Raga

She was out in the veranda at 5 Am in the morning.Up on the tenth floor,she had a beautiful view of the city's skyline against the backdrop of the early morning sky,ushering in the first rays of the sun.The sun was a orange ball peeping out slowly,inch by inch,just as a dolphin peeps out from the sea waters.Down below the traffic was very thin,yet the people on the streets seemed to be in a perpetual hurry-with the newspaper boy cycling vigorously and knowing which paper to drop where, without looking at his various bundles stacked,with mom's hurrying with the toddlers who have a morning session of play school,to scribble the alphabets and play with the plasticine.The milk man and the vegetable vendors and the person selling fish and the delivering the chicken,all hurrying to get to their workplace faster to sell more.

The garbage pick up truck comes and spoils the tranquility of the locality.Down the street the fresh flowers were being put on display,brightening and livening up the atmosphere both with their beauty and their scent.
She saw the morning walkers also moving at a brisk pace-old men wearing shorts ,with shoes laced up et al trying to remain fit and also spending time at the park,making buddies..health conscious youngsters jogging.She noticed the neighborhood tea shack opening,to make the first kettle of tea,to serve it along with the kachuri and the aloo ka dum,street style,steaming hot to the morning passer by's..

she saw the birds crying in various decibels and busy with their chores.

A sense of urgency seems to have taken over everybody despite an idyllic dawn.She took a long breath,sighed and turned around to get busy herself,to get into the "hurry" mode.

A ride in the scorching heat

Today I was out on the street under the blazing sun at 2 in the afternoon.The weather here can be best described as harrowing and agonizing.and around 2 when the sun is at it's peak form the pain is excruciating.The heat seemed through rip my skin-the burning sensation was like needles being pricked on my skin.Added to that was the humidity that was making it even worse.
I took a cab for transport to have some respite.Buses seemed like overcrowded boxes of tin and the idea of getting up on one was unfathomable...
Sitting next to the window and having hot air blown at my face ,I passed an old man waiting at the bus stop,lots of middle aged women wearing synthetic saris and perpetually wet ,holed up inside the bus,some sitting,some standing-they seemed to be in a group going somewhere together;a cycle rickshaw puller with a fat couple,some people sleeping on the pavements wearing torn clothes and kids playing wearing nothing..

Lots of people in different sizes,shapes gender and age bracket,united in one thing-all of us are facing the same blistering heat,and trying to be comfortable within our means..

I shudder to think about exchanging places with that old man who has to take a bus in this harsh weather.I wonder what it must be for the numerous daily wagers who have to be out to earn their bread.
I feel very guilty that I can afford to take the most comfortable public transport,when there are millions who cannot afford it and have to suffer.Yet I cannot bring myself to forgo the privilege and join them.

I feel bad but I'm too selfish to sacrifice.All I do is thank God everyday for the good fortune I have and I pray that it remains forever ..meanwhile I also hope that someday ,someday all the sufferers get to share my privilege..

I wish I knew what to do to make the latter happen..

Few Bizarre things I noticed

1. I still have the ink mark on my finger, the one that was put on my finger the day I had gone to vote. It’s been over a month now. And it’s not showing any signs of going away any time soon.

2. I don’t like to cut my nails, not because I want them long. I don’t like long nails or putting nail polish, but I don’t like cutting them either. The worst part is my nails seem to grow in like every 3 days. They like tormenting me and making me do things I don’t want to do.

3. I like long hair. But my hair doesn’t seem to grow beyond one point. Yet when I go to my hair dresser, she’s always scolding me that I’m long over due for a trim, and that I’m neglecting and spoiling my good hair.

4. Before every exam, some eventful thing of extreme importance happens in the world.

In my masters exam the serial blasts on the trains in Mumbai happened, before my CFA level 1 exam 26/11 happened. Before my level 2, Aila happened..

5. For the first time, I realized mountains are actually really huge. From the ground they look huge, that’s pretty okay, but this time when I was going to Kathmandu,we were above the clouds, and so were the Himalayas. Just as high as the flight, above the clouds. Boy! That’s huge..

Nainital

I was all of 5 years when i had gone to Nainital.It's a beautiful lake resort which nestles amidst seven hills in a lush valley at an altitude of 1938 mts. In 1841, the British first discovered Nainital as a holiday resort.It is popularly known as the "lake district" of India.

I don't remember in intricate details much about that trip but I found that the weather was fantastic and the place was beautiful and exotic.It was cold but pleasant. Air was fresh and crisp and the sight of trees of the mountains filled my eyes and my heart.IT is covered with Sal ,Pine ,Oak, Buruns, Kaphal and other trees growing unto 6000 ft. along with Deodar , Surai etc. at higher altitudes.

We were staying at a sprawling bungalow-it had a large garden with lush green grass,beautiful bright colored flowers and a quaint little shack where you could sit and read and sip tea.The dining room was oak paneled.The living room was designed in Victorian style and the decor was very classy.In all I felt back then that I was transported to those enchanting places I saw in English movies.

We spent around a week or maybe 10 days there..and I loved every moment of it.My mother used to hurl me out of my sleep at 6 AM(that's the only bad thing) and get me ready(taking a bath in that chilly morning for a 5 year old is a pain)..I used to be all excited to a have a very English breakfast of porridge and omelet in that oak paneled room,with napkins and all...as a kid it felt regal...Then I used to play in the garden,read my fairy tales for an hour and then we used to go out..

Once we had gone to the lakes for a boat ride..I saw many dragon shaped pedaling boats. We were seated in a wooden row-boat. The boat-man explained the lake had natural groundwater which was supplied to entire Nainital.There were so many ducks,all dazzling white with bright yellow beaks,wading in the water..I remember touching one of them and remember splashing water on one and seeing it vigorously brush it off..

Once we had taken the rope way..it was my first aerial view of sorts....I remember looking at the mountains in the distance and wondering if the snow was vanilla ice cream..I wanted to touch the snow..

I rode a horse for the first time...The horse owner's daughter took a liking for me and made me sit with her and took me for a ride..I loved the wind rushing by and sweeping my hair back..I remember wanting some more of it...I had made a mental note to learn horse riding one day..(it still remains a wish).

Once we had gone shopping and I realized that's the most boring thing one can possibly do..I remember not liking the bustling crowd-it reminded me of streets in esplanade where there's jostling and pushing and a lot of haggling..and I remember thinking aren't we on a holiday to be away from all of that!!..and then I saw queer wooden pieces on sale,and I got very interested in the idea of helping mom in selecting the pieces..It was difficult to choose -everything was so cute and pretty and dainty..

And then we returned,but those 10 days or so were one of the best moments of my life..

Three amazing things

1. It just occurred to me my Mom has not yelled,scorned,smirked,frowned or ignored me for almost a week now.I wonder what's wrong?-Is it me or her...whatever it is ,it's a very unsettling pleasant change.I'm not sure I like the queasy feeling..but neither am I sure whether I want to end the peaceful tranquility.

2.It rained here after a very bad patch of grueling heat.My dad just now informed me,we are going to have some awesome biryani for dinner.I'm already salivating....can't wait to gorge on it.

3. Classic Beatles still occupies a special corner in my heart-especially Abbey road and Sarge' peppers....

The sea

When I was a kid ,my parents took me for a vacation in Puri. It is one of the oldest cities in the eastern part of the country. It is situated on the coast of the Bay Of Bengal and is a popular beach resort.It's also considered a holy place of pilgrimage in India-the site of the one of the four cardinal institutions established by Adi shankaracharya .Most importantly it houses the world famous Jagannath temple.
So a vacation in puri serves the purpose of leisure,pilgrimage and good Oriya food in a package,plus it's very close to kolkata.

Anyway so that trip was my first tryst with the sea.Never had I seen such a huge expanse of water ever before.The gushing waves terrified me-I was only three years old..yet I remember the fear vividly.My parents went ahead to wet their feet in the water,and I howled out.I thought the sea would engulf them.For a moment I thought I would lose my parents because the sea would literally gobble them up in one shot.But the waves came,glided across their feet,and receded.It again came and did the same thing.I stopped howling,I was looking at it with skepticism now-and then my parents cajoled me to join them ...They held my hands and told me to trust them.I did but ,nevertheless was anxious as the waves were coming towards me...And then they came..and I felt the smoothness of the frothy water as it embraced my feet upto the ankles and went further behind me..I turned to look at how it wet the sands,and then began to retrace it's journey back..and then I felt a queer thing as the water receded..it seemed to pull me ,but yet not forcefully..it was like a small tug and the sand beneath my feet moved a tad..and it felt ticklish...it brought a smile on my face..and finally when the water had gone back I saw the imprint of my feet on the sand,where I was standing when the waves had come ...that brought a gleam into my eyes.... and a grin to my face

And that was it..ever since that day I fell in love with the sea..I love it's salty taste,I love the low growling of the vast expanse of water,i like the salty smell of the sea shores,I love the sand and making the sand dunes and breaking them and remaking them,I like to pick up sea shells,I love the glistening waves....I love the sun rising and setting on the brink of the ocean looking like the yolk of an egg...I simply love the sea..I feel at home

WIShes

I so wish sometimes I was very ,very dumb..I so wish I could never get what the other person is telling is not true,that the person doesn't mean a word..I so wish I could not see through the facade..I so wish I could fall in love with the most imperfect mean guy who just looks dashing and is intelligent and sweeps me off with a gregarious sense of humor and amazing poetry,who would dump me ..cause me emotional anguish and leave me with a broken heart and wounded pride..I so wish I could then make sense of all the soppy love songs..I so wish I could wail out loud,scream in despair,loathe myself ...I so wish I could then finally pick myself up,dust off the dirt,wipe off the tears and make a whole new beginning..

I so want to wipe my slate clean and begin afresh..not because I loathe my life-I don't,on the contrary I quite like it..but I'm aching to make that new beginning after the decay..to start something after everything is ruined..

But alas that's not to be..I don't know why I have to get the truth behind everything people say with sugar coating,Don't know why i have to see through the facade..and I don't know why most importantly I have to guard so fervently my precious heart...I so wish i could set it free,leave it unprotected and not stand guard like a bird so ferociously guards her little ones..I so want to know how it feels to be heartbroken in love,to make sense of all the sad songs in the world ,to touch a chord somewhere and I'm so disappointed about the fact that I can't let go..

Epiphany

"Beware the Ides of March,"was the soothsayers warning-and ever since those times indeed ,march middle has been associated with something big,and not in a nice way. Friday the thirteenth is a scary day.My father was born on the thirteenth march,and it was a Friday and he is a living genius-definitely not a ghost.So all the superstitions could be misplaced.But that's not what I want to talk about.I digress.
This year the ides of march came in ,and my life changed a great deal.Ever since the middle of march I'm feeling things I so don't want to feel,Seen things I only wished were in the movies and books,and it happened to others.I have faced things I have dreaded all my life or probably convinced myself will always steer clear of,and surprisingly taken it in my stride pretty well,with dignity intact.
Let's talk about the tangible things.Ever since March I'm a confirmed insomniac.I just cant sleep at night-suits me fine,I stay at home all day,so in effect I sleep all day.The only thing I regret is not seeing the sunrise for like 4 months now and the breakfast now consists of the things people have for lunch.:-)
But also these few months have opened new doors for me.I have learnt to appreciate literature ,art,politics ,finance in a whole new way.All the things that were stacked up before in my to so list,is actually slowly turning into my done list.I find myself more confident,more versatile,more in sync with the world and more importantly I'm closer to understanding what the intellectuals talk about and also I can participate in a "intelligent" discussion without feeling like an out cast.
Previously,I just understood what they were saying to an extent and tell myself damn I still have'nt got around to know about it-daammit!!...now it's like I can contribute to the discussion.

All the blogs I read before and was over awed..when I re read them I still appreciate them but it's no more gigantically overwhelming.Yes I'm evolving :-D

Gosh I love my life.I'm glad the " ides"of march came and that my life's not been the same ever since.I like ,I like it very much

Sunshine and rains

I like it when it rains.Makes me feel good and nice especially when it rains post a bad summer spell.The smell of the wet earth is very intoxicating.So is the nip in the air,gusty winds et al.BUt I do not like a prolonged rains.Overcast skies tend to get me depressed and gloomy and make me feel lethargic,in the rainy season-not to mention the messy roads,and the problems to get transport.
so i like rains but not the monsoon season.similarly I like the sun-makes me feel cheerful.Clear,crisp blue skies are so beautiful it hurts.yet i don't like it when the sun is overwhelming bearing down on me.so I like it sunny,but I don't quite enjoy the summers.Summers in India are very torturous.
I'm quite fine with the winters here in kolkata.They are just about perfect,and so are the springs and the autumns.
So i Don't like it from may to august,except for the days it's sunny after a long spell of rains and its raining after a hot spell.
Rest of the year is fine weather wise.
:P

I have always maintained having a boyfriend in life is like carrying an extra baggage,notwithstanding the fact,that love is what makes the world go round.I was a bit taken aback the other day when an acquaintance told me that she now believes in the same principle,and that if she ever carries the baggage she wouldn't settle for anything less than Louis vuitton and that it was me who had enlightened her.

I was bewildered.I didn't know whether she was accusing me or complimenting me.I frankly have never quite propounded such an idea,at least not consciously.

I have always maintained that the guy in my life has to be intellectually stimulating,well read with a quick wit,presentable&smart with some creative pursuits-preferably writing and music.Cosmopolitan and with basic values.

This description comes very close to the likes of my father and Farhan Akhtar,both of whom are out of my reach-so I'm basically screwed,unless I wait for an eternity or revise the aforesaid list(that's even more difficult).

now this could be fiiting in the gucci variety or louis vuitton variety or chanel variety or even the local ones that are sold in the bustling streets of esplanade.I'm not going to categorise it-cos finally if I have the above criteria met,it will be the classic case of
"frankly my dear,i don't give a damn(how it is classified and named)".
:)

spectacular splendour

I suddenly have this creative urge in me that's getting impatient for it's release.Much like the insect caught in the spider's web,which incessantly tries its best to free itself ,like full sprinter making a last ditch attempt to come first and bag the gold medal at the Olympic.[maybe the similes a bit too far stretched in terms of the actual urge,I'm feeling but you get the drift,right?:)]

Kolkata is currently going through sporadic bursts of heavenly weather when the skies are turning deeper hues of grey and ash,and there is a considerable nip in the temperatures,with cool gusty winds blowing and then the downpour completing the chain.I dont know if its really this that makes my heart flutter and connect with some inane level of creativity,but I do know is in these times when I come so close to nature at it's best and the vivid imageries asociated with the nature at it's pristine self,it really feels like I'm on top of this world.And yet I feel like I'm such a tiny speck amidst this grandeour and eloquence.I'm bewildered at this conflicting feeling-a feeling of lightness coupled with the realization that I'm virtually a nobody in this vast wonderful creation.and yet it is the same GOD who created me.I"m reminded of a line from one of the songs by the band queen-it's a kind of magic!!

and i truly think that it's a kind of magic that the same god has created the magnificient nature and me and given me the astuteness and acute vision to observe and enjoy the bliss of the nature,and also realize that I'm but a tiny speck in this enormous creation.gosh what a humbling feeling it is.

I am vacillating from bouts of guilt to high spiritedness in a span of minutes.It is pretty scary.I hope I'm not losing my mental balance.Yesterday I went to sleep planning today's work.Today the day has turned out to be different completely.There were unprecedented changes in plans,and i could hardly follow the routine I had made or precisely finish the course of work which I was supposed to.But instead of feeling bad,miserable or even tensed,I'm not in the least affected.As in I'm amazed at the lack of the natural reaction but otherwise I"m calm and distanced from the fear.Wonder what's really happening.?

Blues

I am feeling a bit down and the worst part of it all is I do not know the reason.It's bad enough that I'm feeling down,I usually am always necessarily high spirited,and then to add insult to injury I don't know why the damning reason has to evade me.
I feel like those sickly teenagers having violent mood swings due to some hormonal change shit.

I detest the fact that i gotta study now that my exams are a less than a month away.I detest the fact that i have been incapable of sticking to my schedule all this while.I abhor the fact that i cannot enjoy recreational activities without feeling guilty.and all of this sacrifice is amounting to virtually nothing coz it seems I'm whiling away my time wondering why im in a down mood and all such inane frivolous trivialities seem to occupy my mind leaving me no time to study,read,watch movies,talk or sleep.
I hate this .
and every time I make a promise to myself okk enough is enough ,let me stop the rubbish right now,i end up procrastinating.
i really dunno whats come over me.I hate myself now-hormones or otherwise I feel like a complete loser nd needless to say I'm hating and abhorring every minute of this.

P.S last week i was feeling good.i don't know now whether its the antithesis effect.it better be that.nd more importantly i better be out of this perpetual PMS mess.

Fake ipl player's blog is astounding,simply astounding.To firstly come out with the pseudo names that are so interlaced with pun and then to describe the player's activity in a melodramatically comical manner.Simply good.Light reading with a lot of corny jokes that will help you to guffaw. And most importantly he seems to bash up everyone I hate. kudos :D

rocky exhilaration

Few days back,someone offended me "thoroughly",right to my core.,so much so that it hurt.My self esteem took a very strong beating,and this was the first time,somebody not so important could achieve this.I'm not saying that the person has become very important to me now,he hasn't. However the appalling bit of it all is,he offended me without resorting to words.My normal reaction to offense is anger and nastiness but this time i was startled and then it wounded my vanity.

I was thoroughly shaken up.But instead of being angry and being defensive I actually am thankful to him,for making me realize that I was being rather complacent and was losing my objective.Come to think of it,I was in fact losing my momentum,losing my track,and was being disoriented,getting all lost in the momentary frivolities.

Now I'm back with a bang,all set to pursue my interests to the maximum possible level,and now i realize there is so much left to do.But I'm enjoying it,and the fact that I"m not wasting my time in frivolities,rather I'm utilizing it constructively is making me feel good about myself,and is doing wonders to heal my wounded vanity and self esteem. :)

I will never forgive the person.I will always be offended by him,be it in person or his memory.but simultaneously I will always be grateful to him for making me realize my folly of wasting my time and not using it constructively to pursue my intersts in an avid manner.

what an irony,i shall detest the man and yet be grateful to him.
alas!!

Nostalgia

I just finished with "pride and prejudice" for perhaps the umpteenth time,and I'm convinced more than ever that I could watch it for like a zillion more times,and still feel this exhilaration.The dialogues,the arrogance,the misunderstanding,the humor,the language,the settings...

I'm reading Oscar wilde's plays too.and I"m in love with his wit,his self depreciating humour,the sarcasm and his funny one liners.

I'm lost in the world of classic literature and I'm lost in it's intricacies and enjoying and loing and appreciating the beauty of it.

I've sort of rediscovered the facinating charms in the world of literature.and for now i want to immerse myself.
:)

oh god it seems gloom is looming large.wherever i see,i look,all i find is gloom.the weather is sultry and everyday comes with the hope of a shower,the first rains and every night it disappoints.every news channel and the headlines in the newspaper talk only about the upcoming elections,and it reminds me of the impending gloom...the corruption,the dirtiness,the bitching,the chaos.every tv program is packed in with low I.Q stuff and every documentary documents the societ's evil tendencies and practices.every movie i have seen recently have been grim.

god is there any way out of this.this gloom is shutting out the light of happiness that i so badly hold around me.i have got to do something soon,before i lose my sanity.

i have to find a reason to laugh,an excitement to giggle,with my friends.i am in search of the next new thing thats piques my curiosity and has the tenacity to last a few months till the rains comes in,till the elections is over..all the puppet show ends and we smirk at the new government and the documentaries talk bout better,happier days,and the movies i c are light hearted but touch a chord nevertheless.

and i need the reason fast..real fast.
i have had enough of this darkness,partial or otherwise

Maternal instincts

I was doing a short term course in risk management in hyderabad.my parents had earlier gone and selected the women's hostel for me.my mom set the room allrite,did everything possible so that i did not need to go to the bank,the market or the stationery shop for almost a month.

then she left.i was all alone in the city.a strange city all by myself.i was afraid and apprehensive but as days passed,life moved on,i made a new circle of friends and forgot the apprehension and fear i had felt when she left.

during my exam time i had to change hostels .i went and settled in a different room.had too much in my mind to bother about how homely the room looked.and life went on.

till my mom came in the middle of second semester.she stayed for just a day,and spent eaxcatly 3 hours in my room.and suddenly the room felt like the real home.all things organised,clean,it smelt of the familaiar scent.
and that's when it struck me that all these days i was actually away from home.that i was living not in a place that was quintessentially home.

and even now when im staying with my mom,it still takes her effort to clean up my room every weekend to make me feel the feeling of vintage home.

mom's actually have that touch of the magic wand to create the magic.

now this scares me.im a woman and will hopefully eventually become a mom.and then i will be the one who would be supposed to weave this magic.

and it scares the living daylights outta me.

i had recently gone into the self introspecting mode and then i had this enormous relief after i was out of that mode.then i have been into reading,mostly blogs and i have come to a sort of conclusion.

it is often told that a good read offers one with a lot of insights and provides one with a lot of food for thought and therfore is very enlightning and productive.the more ,they say the more you read good stuff the more you connect to that elusive higher plane[whatever taht is!!]

i read good stuff coz i like reading.and i like watever connects with me,higher plane or otherwise.
but i do have a feeling no maater what kind of good stuff i read,and no matter how much i love it and no matter how much i relate to it,and appreciate it,somewhere i cannot excatly recreate the magic in my writings or come anywhere close to the "good" writing i so enjoy in the reads that i like.

the typical metaphorical descriptions,the exact pain,suffering or heartbreak articulated,the exact vulnerable feelings described,the most obvious train of thoughts at passage of some event..

when i read them it seems so easy.it seems im just there and it's so normal.and yet when it comes to writing them it eludes me so badly.

i wish i could ascribe this to "writer's block" only that this seems to persist unendingly.

god i have been in this self introspecting mode and then i read someone's blog [again!!..yes..]a whole big story,nicely written with vivid imagination at its best nd the smallest of detail documented.
however i feel exhausted.too much thinking? perhaps..

nyways i have come to this conclusion..i love reading be it any genre.i enjoy it ,i can relate to it.i also consider that if i really want i can write in a descriptive manner so that the reader exactly gets d feel of the circumstances described.however to bring myself to write like that is an exhaustng thought.

how wierd!!!but who cares at least i enjoy nd looove[lowe] reading..hurray to that!!!

nd now i will see episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S to rejuvenate myself...

oh badi oh bada..tringa linga ling!!!

just a passing thought

i have this sudden urge of being this nice good girl.and i always have these urges to be my reformed self when there is something i want badly to happen and this is how i bribe GOD.i always have this stupid baseless feeling that if i transform myself into this diciplined impeccable harworking girl,GOD would be pleased and hence grant me my wish.

i do know im being stupid but somehow cant beat the urge.so now i will gear up for transformation and pray hard till i get my results.and then i can go back to my lazy lamhe days.

wicked,wicked me!!!

random

when i started to blog i used to be very careful not to write in sms English.and to maintain tht grammar as we have been taught to do in school.as in put punctuation marks nd start a sentence in caps blah blah.
i have eventually realised d editing is very time consuming and dat is wat takes my desire to post a blog away.so i have decide all im gonna do is just type,with d basic thing being readable,and not care about d proper editing.
at least that way i will blog,which is far more important than not blogging.afterall something is better than nothing,as they say

tennis

federer versus nadal!!!

gosh roger federer was my ideal man wen he first came to d court. he swept the tennis ball nd swept me off my feet too.here was a good player ,a promising talent nd quite a looker.

and then came nadal.sheer force..d quintessential underdog.i only noticed him wen he was challenging federor's top position.And then tat fantastic match happened.nd he earned that victory.

and i was left with mixed feelings.here was a 22 yr old dynamite player sweeping off all glories nd there was federor my favorite.

I'm still so confused.every time nadal wins d match after both of them playing equally hard,I don't know whether i should be happy for nadal's win or sad for roger's loss.albeit i enjoy the match but the result always confuses me.

:(
sigh

i think im feeling down!!!! and perhaps why i feel almost a necessary tug to blog rightaway.not that i havent had enough reasons to blog in these past months..but whenever a important thing happened i got too engrossed in it so as to blog later and when the events passed it seemed trivial anyways.:(


but im feeling dwn now and cannot fathom why.maybe it's the premonition that a thing i had a positive feeling about wont conclude that way.i really dunno y im getting dat feeling.no logical explanation to it.just a gut feeling,and a bad or negative one at that. :(

btw i was reading someone's blog and honestly the content was so so very good that instead of enjoying the read i started feeling so very incapacitated.so very insignificant in comparison to the in depth knowledge and talent the person has.

im not being jeolous,no im not jeolous.i did enjoy the read but i have to admit..gosh im such a mundane ,zero talented person.shucks !!it hurts

While I was in school, my frnds always thought I was very look conscious...I do not deny it.i think its very natural to be look oriented in your teens.altho being look conscious is always considered to be synonymous with the feeling that the person thinks she is very beautiful..On the contrary I think a person who doesn’t at all think she’s very pretty, but quite average and desires to look pretty, is conscious about it all the more.
And a desire to look pretty is there in everybody I suppose. It’s the amount of desire that matters that. We all want to look our best, or enhance our looks by wearing a certain kind of clothes or certain colors etc,that bring out the best in us.
I think as a person I’m very expressive, in whatever I think n stuff. So if I’m thinking after a bite of food that gosh is my lip gloss off or do I have any crumbs left sticking to my mouth, instead of thinking and wondering about it I would ask it aloud, and just get done with it. And since I’m expressive I think people misconstrue it as being look conscious, when in reality I think I’m just being normal, only more expressive, which is me
However I do admit that when I was younger I attached a lot more importance to it than I do now, as to whether my hair is in place, my lip gloss the right shade and all that. Now it’s become a lot more flexible I think and that’s because as we grow older, our priorities shift to more meaningful things in life

MEMORY

there was a guy in school:ABHISHEK HALDER:
the whole school knew that he had thing for me when we were in class 8.I used to at that age enjoy being the sought after,but naturally.However when he finally proposed in claa 9,I refused coz i thot he was a dunce.[:P]
so he in class 12 started telling me CREDIT CARD which is a code word for a slut.!!!!
and wats more important to note here was that he used to tell that to me,not directly but INDIREctly with his spineless followers who used to shout this wrd out while i was passing,or was in thier vicinity.
SHUCKS!!can u believe wat COWARDS they were???
GANGING up to tell a girl shes a slut,INDIRECTLY,nd NOT having the BALLS to face the reality.
n I"m a slut coz i refuse a dunce..........well i'd rather be aslut than to accept a dunce in my life!!
jeez wat a COWARD seriously..
u know wat everytime i felt i shud go nd tell d mother fucker something,or actually take up d matter with the teachers,something stopped me.
the same something which stops me from reacting when d level of dirt is too much to get my hands dirty.

SELF CONFIDENCE

I was watching a talk show[not the celebrity one,this time]n d host asked d guest what is self confidence according to you.the question prompted me to think...
I think for me self confidence is about NOT needing assurances from people to reirterate what I'm doing,thinking n stuff..if I"m convinced bout doing I dont need others to second it at all.
they can choose to give thier opinions IF i ASK for it,nd I might introspect thier views to help me decide but once decided i dont need the thumsup sign to let me know they approve.

[:)]

easy!!

I don’t know why I always seem to have empathy for the people who are underdogs, who are underestimated and people who are misunderstood. I seem to have a natural understanding towards people who are jived at or sneered at for a fault done usually not intentionally.
I don’t think I have always been like that. We all at some point of time look at things in black or white, but as I grew up or at least ever since college I have learnt not to be judgemental.and more importantly I try to perceive the situation from the other’s point of view.
And yes I do admit that this exercise has made me more considerate and more sensitive to the other’s feelings. If a person is shouted upon in front of people, or made fun of, or sneered at, I do feel bad for the person no matter what that person has done, only by thinking that if I were to face it I would have felt terrible.
This is why I try to refrain from publicly humiliating a person, until ofcourse he calls for it blatantly.
I wonder what’s wrong with me?
Why the hell can’t I take pleasure in smirking, itching and causticim under the garb of sarcasm???
Everybody else seems to be living off it, and apparently enjoying.
And mostly people think being easy going=no personality…
Beat that!!
Grr I hate my mom for teaching me so much of moral science while I was growing up
Damn damn damn
;D

Things i wanna do before I turn 30

learn Swimming.
Learn french.
Learn horse Riding.
Visit Louvre and Broadway
Do rock climbing and bungee jumping.
Visit all the historical sites in India
Go backpacking and explore scenic beauty in not so famous places which are unexplored.
Try all d cuisines in d world,without traveling to all those places.
Go to the Disney world and GC
Extensively tour Europe.
Visit at least one national sanctuary and check wild life there.
I can think of only these ,for now.I will keep adding when I remember others or have more desires

In jaane tu..they showed d hero's mom lying down in a sofa,reading abook.The son comes back late in the night after a party,whistling.The mom says hoton pe seeti,chaal mein ucchal..maanjha kya hain...
wow pretty cool!!!!!
I wonder which sensible ,educated, liberated indian mom is ever so cool especially when it comes to their daughters?????

Hopeless Hope....well almost

I was always asked this question…what is my ideal match? I guess the definition always changed as I kept “growing up”. I mean few years back I thought the guy should be able to excel in whatever is possible.[read:acads,singing,,photography,artistic talents,sports,games horse racing,moonwalking,you name it]but common, now I know firstly it isn’t possible.(draupadi got 5 husbands ,for God to satisfy all the qualities that she desired in her partner. That was then, And the number was 5.i can’t even imagine what it would be now, phew!!]And secondly if “my man” were to be all that, I would be toooo ordinary. Big risk actually.
So now after a lot of “analysis”, I have come to a conclusion.
I am absolutely sure that I totally like the farhan akhtar/prateek babbar image.[I’m more used to the farhan image].this is one image that I liked when I first saw him giving interviews for ‘dch’,and then as a judge as in Nach Balliye and I still like him now, without actually seeing rock on posters.
Actually I think I saw prateek in jaane tu and it reminded me of the image of farhan
So I’m sure I like that look, except for the passion in films, in my guy, but of course. That sheer intelligence, articulate and sensitive bloke thing with a whacky sense of humor….
So if I were to list the essential qualities it would be (in no particular order)
· Understated …be it cool or handsome or anything. It should be essentially understated.
· Smart, stylish and suave.
· Intelligent and bright and knowledgeable
· Articulate ,Quick wit, sometimes whacky
· Must essentially read
· Should share similar interests and tastes
· Must be enthusiastic about our dissimilarities and encourage participation, mine for him and vice-versa
· Preferably from the finance field...[ahem]
· Creative pursuits as a hobby appreciated
· considerate and sensitive
· sensuous
· should believe in mutual respect, loyalty and trust
· And of course should just truly, deeply, madly deeply believe it that I’m the best thing that happened to him.{lol).

I’m still in search of this elusive guy. Looks like a difficult search, really

Monsoons

I don’t like rains. I hate monsoons. The rains after a day of blistering heat is the only kind of rain I welcome. What is it about rains that is supposed to be the epitome of a romantic moment, strangely even without a partner. Getting wet in the rains is supposed to give this once in a life time experience, or so is told. But why don’t I like it at all? Infact I hate it. I just don’t seem to see what d hullabaloo is all about?
For one, if I’m out and it rains, and if I’m not with an umbrella, which is er almost always I’m apprehensive that I will catch a cold. The auto or the rickshaw will be charging more, and definitely get me half wet despite that.
My jeans will weigh a ton, my t shirt clinging to my body making feel embarrassed and cold coz there never is that filmy hero round when the clothes are sticking to you. You only half cat calls and wolf whistles, pretty unnerving, really.
The dupatta in case ur wearing a salwar never ever flies so melodramatically like it does on T.V.it sort of flutters clumsily and rests on you with a thud as though telling you its your fault that you caused the rains.
Rainy days make me feel gloomy.khichuri and begun bhaja notwithstanding I do not like rains. No not even if it opens a roop tera mastana kind of erotic moment.
SAWAN MEIN LAG GAYI AAG….my foot!!

INSTROSPECTING!!

I recently read someone’s blog and it was written there in a very poetic language that as she’s staring out of the window, all that she thinks about is when will that future come that will relieve her of the present she is living. In other words, she was desperately waiting for the future, in the hope that her present misery goes off. And then she was also afraid what if the future never comes-the future that she specifically wants doesn’t materialize.
Pretty thought provoking I must say.
Depressing too..Isn’t it? Living in the hope that someday you lead a better life, and you just hope that, that hope just doesn’t diminish….
I remember living that way for sometime in 2002 to be precise. I had done badly in my 12th, got into a college that was not counted among the academic greats, but obviously. The saving grace was being able to study economics-a coveted subject, but at that point of time I was the only girl from south Kolkata and one of the very few with English medium background and the only student from isc ,in the college. I don’t know why not being able to fit in was such a big deal then. I mean of course I was friendly to the rest and so were they but somewhere I was dissatisfied. The whole Bengali medium north Kolkata culture thing got me down and in my tuitions I was deliberately making friends in the tuitions to hep south Kolkata people. I did not even fit in there. Weekend parties, club hoping, pub culture and all that were pretty infeasible then. Plus if and when I did participate I was so lonely.
My self esteem was at its worst. I had this constant guilt factor weighing me down, that I was the culprit behind all this misery-if only I had studied in my 12th.plus there was this constant foray of relatives and so called well wishers with there ever present list of suggestions and advices.
I was aghast. I really remember being disgusted with myself, losing confidence, having bouts of self pity, and in other words having a severe identity crisis.
I wanted to be someone else, not myself. The only problem was I did not know who was the person I wanted to be..Or rather what type I wanted top fit in like hand in gloves….
When in 2003 that phase passed over, I was glad. Slowly I came in sync with my real self. I realized it was okay to be dissatisfied with your performance. That you actually don’t have to live the present in a blur for that elusive future to come in[read:results,here],that it was okay to like something in someone else and have the urge to do it, and that you don’t have to beat yourself up if your innate nature doesn’t allow the change. That people are such that they will criticize you when you fail, and if you succeed being whatever you are, like exactly what you were before, when you did not succed,for whatever the reason, everything of yours-the same things then become good or maybe they keep their traps shut.
I understood that feeling guilty and being miserable is not very helpful. I learnt to dissect the reason behind the guilt and work upon it, being sure not to repeat it, at least not in the same way.[;)]I really learnt that not being perfect even in your own mind scale, and yet being happy is very much possible.
And boy does success change people around you or what? Most of the lessons that I learnt in human relations were during this period.
Given a choice I would never ever want to experience that feeling again, but I’m glad I did experience it.
Really so.

damn!!!

Man…. I hate this!!!I did not blog for 21 whole days, and I don’t know why all forces of nature have to conspire against me when I want to blog so badly????
My phone is outta order. Result: my internet is dysfunctional
Shit shit shit …damn!!!
So much for Paulo Coelho and the alchemist…nature conspires if you want something badly enough.
All hoaxes
Bloody hell!!!
Now the net is back, and I will blog with vengeance……………aarrggghump!!

EMBARASSMENTS GALORE

Its actually been a week since I posted my last blog..{Or is it blogged my last post?}.But in any case 7 days is quite a lot. No wonder when I was at my cousin's I was wondering what was it that I was missing, such that my day seemed incomplete!!!, somewhere, amidst all the 24*7 fun.Right now I’m feeling a little low. For no apparent reasons as such. But as I’m writing this I can figure out some reasons which might be responsible for Makin me feel low. Let me list them first and then maybe I will cross them one by one, and hope after the exercise that I start feeling (un)low.I woke up today at 12:15 noon. This has been continuing for a while.im perhaps awake since 9 am, but feel lethargic to get up. My parents are dead against me missing my breakfast, and have given up after trying all tactics to wake me up. It’s been 3 months actually ...goshso now they don’t tell me anything much. I woke up at 12:15,and no one is "talking" to me as such, except the necessary stuff [:(]I am feeling guilty about 2 faux paus(or was it 3?) that I did very confidently at my cousin's place .not that it had any repercussions so to speak but nonetheless it's giving me a feeling of embarrassment.Shit how could I? Where were my brains? Damn!!!Oh yes and then there was this queen of misunderstanding created by jhimps, me and our respected grandma’s. A white lie was told to her grandma to keep her from worrying. But my grandma called hers [they are sis in law's].she chose exactly that day to catch up. And the lie came out. And we were caught. Now our respected families always thought, we don’t lie, so the guessing game was on.So we were questioned by our families. Since we lied for a good cause it was forgiven.
But I don’t know why I had to call at her place the next day, to talk to her mom? There was no need really. So naturally aunt questioned me too.yeah she could have just let it be, but obviously the event was pretty fresh. So I was questioned again!!!I must admit that when I was questioned it was embarrasing.ok I had the answer. And I was being honest. They too did not have hard feelings Nevertheless it was humiliatingly embarrassing.im sure jhimps would feel it too, if my mom questioned her.
Only if I hadn’t called!!So I guess I was down coz all of the embarrassments added up. Now I feel light againyippee!!!...[writing is therapeutic, indeed]

etc

Hey I just figured out one of the reasons why boys want girlfriends. I mean I’m sure the same reason holds good for men, but I will not state it. This is a public forum after all.
Okay we all know the age old reason: that they have girlfriends to show it off as a trophy.
Other than that, they want a girl who will cheer them up when they are low, do their homework [writing project reports and all that stuff], talk to them when they need a thousand assurances that they are the best, and In short be there for them always no matter what.
If they are very very pretty [to make them thunder bolt struck like Michael Corleone], it’s the icing on the cake. But at least the girl should be such that when the boy takes her out; his friends don’t think she’s ugly.
Point to be noted actually.
If they think she’s ugly its okk, but his fiends thinking that is blasphemous.
However all said and done everything’s fine, the reasons I mean, except for a small hiccup. Perhaps someone should tell them that just like they want the girls to cheer them up blah blah, it is but natural that the girl would want reciprocation.ok we will give the girls a handicap and say that girls would need all of the things the boys need, only a little less frequently.
But I think that boys grow up to be men and they still miss this important factor: that the girls need them too. I mean the boy in question has to sometimes cheer her up, do her homework, listen to her[this is the biggest deal for them, I suppose]and all this exactly when she needs it. Not when he is free to give her time, coz their being free, I’m told is a big question mark. They could be playing a game, yes a game and they might not be free to talk, you see….!!
Okay don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate men. I like them. They give us reasons to smile; sometimes. I only think men are not from mars. They are from mercury I think. The reason they take the maximum sunlight and are reluctant to share any, [unless we nag and shout, we don’t get any]
And they think we don’t allow them to open their mouths except for yawning!!
Gaaahhh!!!

Deep Thought

Yesterday my cousin brother came to my place to stay over for a couple of days. The last time he did that was when he was a 4 year old, I think. Now he is in second year college.
It’s been fun interacting with him .He is a college goer. And most of the things that he talks about are possibly almost the same things which used to be on my mind when I was at his age… {20],, im still not over the hill thankfully but nonetheless its giving me a feeling of déjà vu.
One of the things that struck me was this whole world swearing by hanging out with friends. I mean friends are like such a big deal. When I was a teenager and all that people used to talk about friends...Hanging out, soul sharing. They used to glorify these absolute bum chums having masti and what not. It was a thing like if u did not have friends and hang out together you were an outcast.
In school I never belonged to any particular group. I was a Bengali girl who was in the science stream and whose second language was Hindi, and I lived almost in the locality of the school [15 min distance].I did not have a single person who had the same combination as of the above, leave alone sharing the same hobbies. Nevertheless I talked to everyone, everybody spoke to me. Opinions clashed, differed or were the same but there was no major feeling of belonging to any particular group ever.
Today on hindsight I think it the best thing. If you aren’t type casted in a particular camp, you are by and large NOT “having problem” with most people.
But back then I used to always wonder why was I the only person not having the glorified friendship everybody swore by. I remember trying my best to fit in the group and hanging out with people I thought were most similar, but I never got the feeling of this amazing masti that people around me did. I tried doing that with most groups and still no such luck. I mean I did enjoy but nothing like the stories they spun. So I thought I was weird, until I met my second cousin and later many others who felt just the same. So at least I knew I wasn’t the only weird after all.
So by the time I was in college and university I purposely was friendly to all. I was used to it by then after 14 years of school, not to belong to any particular group. It felt weird. I did not try to be part of any group as such. But naturally I got closer to people who say returned my way home, through the same mode of public transport, at the same time.[but still they are exactly not friends are they? Maybe or may not be. Not necessarily at least]
By bro too now talks about hanging out with a lot of people. Lots of groups.tution friends, school chaps, college guys.etc etc.when I asked him does he like really have some amazing time, he says no. Most of the times he’s like indifferent, meaning it wouldn’t have made a major difference if he did not meet them, infact watching TV and maybe some highlight of some match was better, but he still hangs out. There are times when some of his earlier friends come down, call him and sometimes they don’t call him to hang out. So he is in a dilemma as to whether they are really his friends?
The only thing I can tell him is that most people are acquaintances. Some closer, some far off. Only very few are real friends~ the people you would call just to hear that persons voice no matter which part of the world you are in, and can be sure that he/she will reciprocate too. The people you know you can be yourself with, without being judged or made fun of are very very few. It is these people that we meet on our journey called life and they are the people we should cherish and care about. We don’t need to specifically meet them always or hang around to keep up the friendship, for they are the ones who would always be there just a phone call away, whenever you need them. They are the actual soul sharing bum chums.
Rest of the people are contacts, acquaintances and people you talk to, leave behind when you leave institutions. You just tell a hi and a hello or a general query /small talk, when u happen to meet them and vice-versa. The world seems to be full of them...Gosh!!

Just a Passing Thought

Somebody once told me, when I asked him if he read “the three mistakes of my life”-chetan bhagat, that he has not read it and neither will he ever read it. The reason being that he thinks chetan bhagat lies when he apparently tells that he started writing coz his boss was bad. According to him chetan bhagat should admit it openly that he is in this writing business only for money. Since he “lies”, this person would not read his book.
All right point taken. He doesn’t have to read it if he does not want to.
But I’m wondering when was it ever that we read books according to what kind of person the author was?
Or what kind of live he/she lead?
I think we always read books coz of the story.
I’m not doing propaganda for one chetan bhagat.but I mean really, if the story that he writes connects with some people and he makes money it’s not our headache. After all he’s not making us read his stuff in gunpoint range. And why he does write is completely his problem ,I think. Well if he does it for money, and he writes something that fetches him that who are we to judge?
People read books by various authors. Do we all know about them, as to what kind they were and actually read their works based on the perception that we have about their lives?
I never did it!!I’m sure most people don’t. I did not know 10 years back whether Sidney Sheldon and Jackie Collins were male or female. As in who was the dame and who was the man?
I just came to know that Agatha Christie had a weird marriage. Big deal. It’s her life. So long she’s writing gripping stories for us, does it really matter?
I mean if the person really believed in not reading someone’s book coz the author was lying about his reasons to write, then he should never read Jeffery Archer. That fellow went to jail for sleeping with the prostitute while he was in some political high strata. He is a bigger criminal if not the same. He should never read Salman Rushdie’s works, that fellow keeps marrying. He was issued a fatwa!!That’s not particularly a very ‘nice ‘thing, is it?
But he reads them? Contradictory logic, really
So if people are not going to read chetan bhagat or any other author coz of the bizarre reason of not consenting to their life style, instead of trashing them, if they really have to, coz of not liking their work, I ‘d say they are just jealous? OR biased?
But then it’s their call, afterall.
To each his own.