While I was in school, my frnds always thought I was very look conscious...I do not deny it.i think its very natural to be look oriented in your teens.altho being look conscious is always considered to be synonymous with the feeling that the person thinks she is very beautiful..On the contrary I think a person who doesn’t at all think she’s very pretty, but quite average and desires to look pretty, is conscious about it all the more.
And a desire to look pretty is there in everybody I suppose. It’s the amount of desire that matters that. We all want to look our best, or enhance our looks by wearing a certain kind of clothes or certain colors etc,that bring out the best in us.
I think as a person I’m very expressive, in whatever I think n stuff. So if I’m thinking after a bite of food that gosh is my lip gloss off or do I have any crumbs left sticking to my mouth, instead of thinking and wondering about it I would ask it aloud, and just get done with it. And since I’m expressive I think people misconstrue it as being look conscious, when in reality I think I’m just being normal, only more expressive, which is me
However I do admit that when I was younger I attached a lot more importance to it than I do now, as to whether my hair is in place, my lip gloss the right shade and all that. Now it’s become a lot more flexible I think and that’s because as we grow older, our priorities shift to more meaningful things in life

MEMORY

there was a guy in school:ABHISHEK HALDER:
the whole school knew that he had thing for me when we were in class 8.I used to at that age enjoy being the sought after,but naturally.However when he finally proposed in claa 9,I refused coz i thot he was a dunce.[:P]
so he in class 12 started telling me CREDIT CARD which is a code word for a slut.!!!!
and wats more important to note here was that he used to tell that to me,not directly but INDIREctly with his spineless followers who used to shout this wrd out while i was passing,or was in thier vicinity.
SHUCKS!!can u believe wat COWARDS they were???
GANGING up to tell a girl shes a slut,INDIRECTLY,nd NOT having the BALLS to face the reality.
n I"m a slut coz i refuse a dunce..........well i'd rather be aslut than to accept a dunce in my life!!
jeez wat a COWARD seriously..
u know wat everytime i felt i shud go nd tell d mother fucker something,or actually take up d matter with the teachers,something stopped me.
the same something which stops me from reacting when d level of dirt is too much to get my hands dirty.

SELF CONFIDENCE

I was watching a talk show[not the celebrity one,this time]n d host asked d guest what is self confidence according to you.the question prompted me to think...
I think for me self confidence is about NOT needing assurances from people to reirterate what I'm doing,thinking n stuff..if I"m convinced bout doing I dont need others to second it at all.
they can choose to give thier opinions IF i ASK for it,nd I might introspect thier views to help me decide but once decided i dont need the thumsup sign to let me know they approve.

[:)]

easy!!

I don’t know why I always seem to have empathy for the people who are underdogs, who are underestimated and people who are misunderstood. I seem to have a natural understanding towards people who are jived at or sneered at for a fault done usually not intentionally.
I don’t think I have always been like that. We all at some point of time look at things in black or white, but as I grew up or at least ever since college I have learnt not to be judgemental.and more importantly I try to perceive the situation from the other’s point of view.
And yes I do admit that this exercise has made me more considerate and more sensitive to the other’s feelings. If a person is shouted upon in front of people, or made fun of, or sneered at, I do feel bad for the person no matter what that person has done, only by thinking that if I were to face it I would have felt terrible.
This is why I try to refrain from publicly humiliating a person, until ofcourse he calls for it blatantly.
I wonder what’s wrong with me?
Why the hell can’t I take pleasure in smirking, itching and causticim under the garb of sarcasm???
Everybody else seems to be living off it, and apparently enjoying.
And mostly people think being easy going=no personality…
Beat that!!
Grr I hate my mom for teaching me so much of moral science while I was growing up
Damn damn damn
;D

Things i wanna do before I turn 30

learn Swimming.
Learn french.
Learn horse Riding.
Visit Louvre and Broadway
Do rock climbing and bungee jumping.
Visit all the historical sites in India
Go backpacking and explore scenic beauty in not so famous places which are unexplored.
Try all d cuisines in d world,without traveling to all those places.
Go to the Disney world and GC
Extensively tour Europe.
Visit at least one national sanctuary and check wild life there.
I can think of only these ,for now.I will keep adding when I remember others or have more desires

In jaane tu..they showed d hero's mom lying down in a sofa,reading abook.The son comes back late in the night after a party,whistling.The mom says hoton pe seeti,chaal mein ucchal..maanjha kya hain...
wow pretty cool!!!!!
I wonder which sensible ,educated, liberated indian mom is ever so cool especially when it comes to their daughters?????

Hopeless Hope....well almost

I was always asked this question…what is my ideal match? I guess the definition always changed as I kept “growing up”. I mean few years back I thought the guy should be able to excel in whatever is possible.[read:acads,singing,,photography,artistic talents,sports,games horse racing,moonwalking,you name it]but common, now I know firstly it isn’t possible.(draupadi got 5 husbands ,for God to satisfy all the qualities that she desired in her partner. That was then, And the number was 5.i can’t even imagine what it would be now, phew!!]And secondly if “my man” were to be all that, I would be toooo ordinary. Big risk actually.
So now after a lot of “analysis”, I have come to a conclusion.
I am absolutely sure that I totally like the farhan akhtar/prateek babbar image.[I’m more used to the farhan image].this is one image that I liked when I first saw him giving interviews for ‘dch’,and then as a judge as in Nach Balliye and I still like him now, without actually seeing rock on posters.
Actually I think I saw prateek in jaane tu and it reminded me of the image of farhan
So I’m sure I like that look, except for the passion in films, in my guy, but of course. That sheer intelligence, articulate and sensitive bloke thing with a whacky sense of humor….
So if I were to list the essential qualities it would be (in no particular order)
· Understated …be it cool or handsome or anything. It should be essentially understated.
· Smart, stylish and suave.
· Intelligent and bright and knowledgeable
· Articulate ,Quick wit, sometimes whacky
· Must essentially read
· Should share similar interests and tastes
· Must be enthusiastic about our dissimilarities and encourage participation, mine for him and vice-versa
· Preferably from the finance field...[ahem]
· Creative pursuits as a hobby appreciated
· considerate and sensitive
· sensuous
· should believe in mutual respect, loyalty and trust
· And of course should just truly, deeply, madly deeply believe it that I’m the best thing that happened to him.{lol).

I’m still in search of this elusive guy. Looks like a difficult search, really

Monsoons

I don’t like rains. I hate monsoons. The rains after a day of blistering heat is the only kind of rain I welcome. What is it about rains that is supposed to be the epitome of a romantic moment, strangely even without a partner. Getting wet in the rains is supposed to give this once in a life time experience, or so is told. But why don’t I like it at all? Infact I hate it. I just don’t seem to see what d hullabaloo is all about?
For one, if I’m out and it rains, and if I’m not with an umbrella, which is er almost always I’m apprehensive that I will catch a cold. The auto or the rickshaw will be charging more, and definitely get me half wet despite that.
My jeans will weigh a ton, my t shirt clinging to my body making feel embarrassed and cold coz there never is that filmy hero round when the clothes are sticking to you. You only half cat calls and wolf whistles, pretty unnerving, really.
The dupatta in case ur wearing a salwar never ever flies so melodramatically like it does on T.V.it sort of flutters clumsily and rests on you with a thud as though telling you its your fault that you caused the rains.
Rainy days make me feel gloomy.khichuri and begun bhaja notwithstanding I do not like rains. No not even if it opens a roop tera mastana kind of erotic moment.
SAWAN MEIN LAG GAYI AAG….my foot!!

INSTROSPECTING!!

I recently read someone’s blog and it was written there in a very poetic language that as she’s staring out of the window, all that she thinks about is when will that future come that will relieve her of the present she is living. In other words, she was desperately waiting for the future, in the hope that her present misery goes off. And then she was also afraid what if the future never comes-the future that she specifically wants doesn’t materialize.
Pretty thought provoking I must say.
Depressing too..Isn’t it? Living in the hope that someday you lead a better life, and you just hope that, that hope just doesn’t diminish….
I remember living that way for sometime in 2002 to be precise. I had done badly in my 12th, got into a college that was not counted among the academic greats, but obviously. The saving grace was being able to study economics-a coveted subject, but at that point of time I was the only girl from south Kolkata and one of the very few with English medium background and the only student from isc ,in the college. I don’t know why not being able to fit in was such a big deal then. I mean of course I was friendly to the rest and so were they but somewhere I was dissatisfied. The whole Bengali medium north Kolkata culture thing got me down and in my tuitions I was deliberately making friends in the tuitions to hep south Kolkata people. I did not even fit in there. Weekend parties, club hoping, pub culture and all that were pretty infeasible then. Plus if and when I did participate I was so lonely.
My self esteem was at its worst. I had this constant guilt factor weighing me down, that I was the culprit behind all this misery-if only I had studied in my 12th.plus there was this constant foray of relatives and so called well wishers with there ever present list of suggestions and advices.
I was aghast. I really remember being disgusted with myself, losing confidence, having bouts of self pity, and in other words having a severe identity crisis.
I wanted to be someone else, not myself. The only problem was I did not know who was the person I wanted to be..Or rather what type I wanted top fit in like hand in gloves….
When in 2003 that phase passed over, I was glad. Slowly I came in sync with my real self. I realized it was okay to be dissatisfied with your performance. That you actually don’t have to live the present in a blur for that elusive future to come in[read:results,here],that it was okay to like something in someone else and have the urge to do it, and that you don’t have to beat yourself up if your innate nature doesn’t allow the change. That people are such that they will criticize you when you fail, and if you succeed being whatever you are, like exactly what you were before, when you did not succed,for whatever the reason, everything of yours-the same things then become good or maybe they keep their traps shut.
I understood that feeling guilty and being miserable is not very helpful. I learnt to dissect the reason behind the guilt and work upon it, being sure not to repeat it, at least not in the same way.[;)]I really learnt that not being perfect even in your own mind scale, and yet being happy is very much possible.
And boy does success change people around you or what? Most of the lessons that I learnt in human relations were during this period.
Given a choice I would never ever want to experience that feeling again, but I’m glad I did experience it.
Really so.

damn!!!

Man…. I hate this!!!I did not blog for 21 whole days, and I don’t know why all forces of nature have to conspire against me when I want to blog so badly????
My phone is outta order. Result: my internet is dysfunctional
Shit shit shit …damn!!!
So much for Paulo Coelho and the alchemist…nature conspires if you want something badly enough.
All hoaxes
Bloody hell!!!
Now the net is back, and I will blog with vengeance……………aarrggghump!!

EMBARASSMENTS GALORE

Its actually been a week since I posted my last blog..{Or is it blogged my last post?}.But in any case 7 days is quite a lot. No wonder when I was at my cousin's I was wondering what was it that I was missing, such that my day seemed incomplete!!!, somewhere, amidst all the 24*7 fun.Right now I’m feeling a little low. For no apparent reasons as such. But as I’m writing this I can figure out some reasons which might be responsible for Makin me feel low. Let me list them first and then maybe I will cross them one by one, and hope after the exercise that I start feeling (un)low.I woke up today at 12:15 noon. This has been continuing for a while.im perhaps awake since 9 am, but feel lethargic to get up. My parents are dead against me missing my breakfast, and have given up after trying all tactics to wake me up. It’s been 3 months actually ...goshso now they don’t tell me anything much. I woke up at 12:15,and no one is "talking" to me as such, except the necessary stuff [:(]I am feeling guilty about 2 faux paus(or was it 3?) that I did very confidently at my cousin's place .not that it had any repercussions so to speak but nonetheless it's giving me a feeling of embarrassment.Shit how could I? Where were my brains? Damn!!!Oh yes and then there was this queen of misunderstanding created by jhimps, me and our respected grandma’s. A white lie was told to her grandma to keep her from worrying. But my grandma called hers [they are sis in law's].she chose exactly that day to catch up. And the lie came out. And we were caught. Now our respected families always thought, we don’t lie, so the guessing game was on.So we were questioned by our families. Since we lied for a good cause it was forgiven.
But I don’t know why I had to call at her place the next day, to talk to her mom? There was no need really. So naturally aunt questioned me too.yeah she could have just let it be, but obviously the event was pretty fresh. So I was questioned again!!!I must admit that when I was questioned it was embarrasing.ok I had the answer. And I was being honest. They too did not have hard feelings Nevertheless it was humiliatingly embarrassing.im sure jhimps would feel it too, if my mom questioned her.
Only if I hadn’t called!!So I guess I was down coz all of the embarrassments added up. Now I feel light againyippee!!!...[writing is therapeutic, indeed]

etc

Hey I just figured out one of the reasons why boys want girlfriends. I mean I’m sure the same reason holds good for men, but I will not state it. This is a public forum after all.
Okay we all know the age old reason: that they have girlfriends to show it off as a trophy.
Other than that, they want a girl who will cheer them up when they are low, do their homework [writing project reports and all that stuff], talk to them when they need a thousand assurances that they are the best, and In short be there for them always no matter what.
If they are very very pretty [to make them thunder bolt struck like Michael Corleone], it’s the icing on the cake. But at least the girl should be such that when the boy takes her out; his friends don’t think she’s ugly.
Point to be noted actually.
If they think she’s ugly its okk, but his fiends thinking that is blasphemous.
However all said and done everything’s fine, the reasons I mean, except for a small hiccup. Perhaps someone should tell them that just like they want the girls to cheer them up blah blah, it is but natural that the girl would want reciprocation.ok we will give the girls a handicap and say that girls would need all of the things the boys need, only a little less frequently.
But I think that boys grow up to be men and they still miss this important factor: that the girls need them too. I mean the boy in question has to sometimes cheer her up, do her homework, listen to her[this is the biggest deal for them, I suppose]and all this exactly when she needs it. Not when he is free to give her time, coz their being free, I’m told is a big question mark. They could be playing a game, yes a game and they might not be free to talk, you see….!!
Okay don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate men. I like them. They give us reasons to smile; sometimes. I only think men are not from mars. They are from mercury I think. The reason they take the maximum sunlight and are reluctant to share any, [unless we nag and shout, we don’t get any]
And they think we don’t allow them to open their mouths except for yawning!!
Gaaahhh!!!

Deep Thought

Yesterday my cousin brother came to my place to stay over for a couple of days. The last time he did that was when he was a 4 year old, I think. Now he is in second year college.
It’s been fun interacting with him .He is a college goer. And most of the things that he talks about are possibly almost the same things which used to be on my mind when I was at his age… {20],, im still not over the hill thankfully but nonetheless its giving me a feeling of déjà vu.
One of the things that struck me was this whole world swearing by hanging out with friends. I mean friends are like such a big deal. When I was a teenager and all that people used to talk about friends...Hanging out, soul sharing. They used to glorify these absolute bum chums having masti and what not. It was a thing like if u did not have friends and hang out together you were an outcast.
In school I never belonged to any particular group. I was a Bengali girl who was in the science stream and whose second language was Hindi, and I lived almost in the locality of the school [15 min distance].I did not have a single person who had the same combination as of the above, leave alone sharing the same hobbies. Nevertheless I talked to everyone, everybody spoke to me. Opinions clashed, differed or were the same but there was no major feeling of belonging to any particular group ever.
Today on hindsight I think it the best thing. If you aren’t type casted in a particular camp, you are by and large NOT “having problem” with most people.
But back then I used to always wonder why was I the only person not having the glorified friendship everybody swore by. I remember trying my best to fit in the group and hanging out with people I thought were most similar, but I never got the feeling of this amazing masti that people around me did. I tried doing that with most groups and still no such luck. I mean I did enjoy but nothing like the stories they spun. So I thought I was weird, until I met my second cousin and later many others who felt just the same. So at least I knew I wasn’t the only weird after all.
So by the time I was in college and university I purposely was friendly to all. I was used to it by then after 14 years of school, not to belong to any particular group. It felt weird. I did not try to be part of any group as such. But naturally I got closer to people who say returned my way home, through the same mode of public transport, at the same time.[but still they are exactly not friends are they? Maybe or may not be. Not necessarily at least]
By bro too now talks about hanging out with a lot of people. Lots of groups.tution friends, school chaps, college guys.etc etc.when I asked him does he like really have some amazing time, he says no. Most of the times he’s like indifferent, meaning it wouldn’t have made a major difference if he did not meet them, infact watching TV and maybe some highlight of some match was better, but he still hangs out. There are times when some of his earlier friends come down, call him and sometimes they don’t call him to hang out. So he is in a dilemma as to whether they are really his friends?
The only thing I can tell him is that most people are acquaintances. Some closer, some far off. Only very few are real friends~ the people you would call just to hear that persons voice no matter which part of the world you are in, and can be sure that he/she will reciprocate too. The people you know you can be yourself with, without being judged or made fun of are very very few. It is these people that we meet on our journey called life and they are the people we should cherish and care about. We don’t need to specifically meet them always or hang around to keep up the friendship, for they are the ones who would always be there just a phone call away, whenever you need them. They are the actual soul sharing bum chums.
Rest of the people are contacts, acquaintances and people you talk to, leave behind when you leave institutions. You just tell a hi and a hello or a general query /small talk, when u happen to meet them and vice-versa. The world seems to be full of them...Gosh!!

Just a Passing Thought

Somebody once told me, when I asked him if he read “the three mistakes of my life”-chetan bhagat, that he has not read it and neither will he ever read it. The reason being that he thinks chetan bhagat lies when he apparently tells that he started writing coz his boss was bad. According to him chetan bhagat should admit it openly that he is in this writing business only for money. Since he “lies”, this person would not read his book.
All right point taken. He doesn’t have to read it if he does not want to.
But I’m wondering when was it ever that we read books according to what kind of person the author was?
Or what kind of live he/she lead?
I think we always read books coz of the story.
I’m not doing propaganda for one chetan bhagat.but I mean really, if the story that he writes connects with some people and he makes money it’s not our headache. After all he’s not making us read his stuff in gunpoint range. And why he does write is completely his problem ,I think. Well if he does it for money, and he writes something that fetches him that who are we to judge?
People read books by various authors. Do we all know about them, as to what kind they were and actually read their works based on the perception that we have about their lives?
I never did it!!I’m sure most people don’t. I did not know 10 years back whether Sidney Sheldon and Jackie Collins were male or female. As in who was the dame and who was the man?
I just came to know that Agatha Christie had a weird marriage. Big deal. It’s her life. So long she’s writing gripping stories for us, does it really matter?
I mean if the person really believed in not reading someone’s book coz the author was lying about his reasons to write, then he should never read Jeffery Archer. That fellow went to jail for sleeping with the prostitute while he was in some political high strata. He is a bigger criminal if not the same. He should never read Salman Rushdie’s works, that fellow keeps marrying. He was issued a fatwa!!That’s not particularly a very ‘nice ‘thing, is it?
But he reads them? Contradictory logic, really
So if people are not going to read chetan bhagat or any other author coz of the bizarre reason of not consenting to their life style, instead of trashing them, if they really have to, coz of not liking their work, I ‘d say they are just jealous? OR biased?
But then it’s their call, afterall.
To each his own.

Just Some Thing

I think that the only kind of worst jerks [is there anything called good jerks?] are the people who are male chauvinist pigs [MCP]
Because they are the ones who think
Women are inferior to men, in all respects.
Women are objects of entertainment. [They only think movies, booze, bizarre nonsensical sports and sex as entertainment, in no particular order]
They are supposed to adjust and serve men coz that’s what women were made for, after all.
If they change for the girl it is because of the love that he has for her, for which she is supposed to feel obligated to him, forever [sigh]
If she changes. Well actually there is no if here; she has to change coz she’s supposed to.
Women are supposed to be used like sleeping pills, if u know what I mean.
If he needs her in whatever way, he does, she’s supposed to be there for him.
When it comes to women, oh hell woman and her needs? Are u kidding?
Everything that looks like a woman/girl and walks like one are supposed to be leached at, ogled at, possibly felt too, and banged on at least in the mind. These men will do all of the above thing and still have a wife back at home to screw, and beat her to vent his frustrations on.
The MCPc’s are found in all shapes, sizes and all ages.
Don’t these men have families? Dont they have a mother or a sister? Do they like it if their father’s do this to their mothers? Does it really give an emancipated feeling?
Or is all this treatment done under the garb of reigning supremacy to cover up for their loser selves?

One Reason Anyway!!

I know at least ONE of the reasons why I blog. Finding one reason is quite a lot! When I started blogging I did not know any, only that I did not have sufficient reasons of why I shouldn’t do it.
I hate it when I do not have a clear answer to any thing, especially when it’s the ramblings of my mind which is completely radar less. It gives me a feeling of disorientation.
So anyway I think I have figured out one reason:
i always liked reading from an early age. Story books and novels mainly, not the self help books and definitely not acad crap. I’m miles away from them. I always do enjoy a good read, anything that has nothing to do with my curricular. [I’m such a shirker of duty.Eessh, but then my happiness is of paramount importance. Come on let’s get real: P].
yap so basically while I read the works of good authors, even the newspaper editorials, as a rule always, it occurred to me again as a rule that I would never ever be able to write in that style [I cannot classify it, still], in that language, do that proficient prognosis, or articulately describe a situation or a place so marvelously. Nor would I ever have the insight that they always seem to have. Nor the ability to write the sentences in a way that can have various literary connotations.
All the above did seem a big deal. But ever since paperback was advertized, And light reading became a cult status genre. Or more specifically lets just say when I started reading stuff written by people who are not quintessentially writers [my classmates including], I quite liked it. Now everywhere I look the style of writing has been oversimplified in a way that all you have to do is just write exactly what’s coming to your mind in a descriptive manner.
Well that sure is easier than what Jane Austen style is, or so I think.
Had I not been exposed to this genre, and had attempted to write on the same lines as these celebrated authors I would have to copy them. Basically rip off their works and in my defense I would have told that I’m getting inspiration, when accused of plagiarism.
It its so humiliating really, to pass of their work as though it is my own creation. Besides if I just want to talk about what’s going on, in my mind, I’d rather talk about what is actually going on in my mind rather than just pull out paragraphs of things written by people, of the ramblings of their minds.
So I chose not to write then.
however, now that we can all write whatever shit we want in a manner that is not considered blasphemous thankfully, I’m trying to do what I have always wanted to do and not done coz of being forever confused as to how to write what I write when writing is supposed to be of the kind endorsed and reasserted by respected authors.
So I’m blogging!!
Shity reason?
Who gives a damn anyways??

Rant

I read this article in some newspaper about style trends to be followed in college .I was wondering what this obsession with style frames in clothes, all about? .I don’t ever remember going by what’s in and what’s out while I was in college. And needless to say I still don’t do it. Then what does it categorize me as? Not a stylish person? Yet I really don’t seem to be out of sync with the fashion trends. Then what does this make me? Unconsciously stylish or what they call effortlessly stylish? Or does it in fact make me as someone who follows trends blindly? Again that’s not exactly the case coz I don’t pick up clothes off the shelf and pay the money. I might pick it up, look at it or rather scrutinize it thoroughly [after all I’m the one paying my money so I should, as rationality entails, get my money’s worth or at least feel that I’m getting the worth] and then buy it after I’m convinced following such a detailed deliberation… [God we actually use our decision making in such a detail for our clothes, and still they have categorizations for ‘analysts’. Aren’t we all that???]
So basically I don’t know what category I belong to? I know the question is why DO I have to belong to some category. It’s because the world seems to be hell bent upon typecasting people, books, movies, clothes, food every damn thing.
What’s with this obsession really? I mean coming back, to my first question .I really don’t remember these style frames, that are shown in details with all geometric shapes explained laced with difficult jargons which reasserts the domain of fashion gurus, after I have flipped the page. As a girl I do know that some deliberation must go into what we are wearing on a particular day. [The deliberation can actually start weeks before the actual event, if the event is really really important enough. Its quite besides the point that seldom does an event go perfectly smoothly, even after planning so hard, if you badly want it to go well, especially concerning the clothes and the hair and all of that]
But really excessive obsession is bad…with all d mags and newspaper entertainment pages devoting more than one page to it in every issue.
And I don’t understand how can the fashion gurus cry hoarse on something that is ‘out’ of fashion? You can point out what’s in/what looks good for the season/what looks suit best for body types. But how can say something is out? I can surely wear bell bots [I DON’T KNOW THE SPELLING, BUT OFCOURSE] if I choose to, and if suits me who is anybody to point out “sheeSH its grotesque”...balls, I tell you!!!!

Lessons Learnt

The last one year has been a revelation of sorts. It has given me an opportunity to experience living in 2 cities, Hyderabad and Mumbai [I did 1 month internship there], albeit all by my self. It has actually made me what is called grown up or rather matured. I refuse to believe, however that the level of maturity that I have attained, whatever miniscule level that is, its only to do with the last year and not all the last 23 years. But the crux of the matter remains that the last year was very very significant to teach me a lot of things and to come to many conclusions
If I had to list them to be more specific its
1] Everybody talks about everyone. Whether its friends, indifferent friends or foes, just about everybody has an opinion about everyone, and voices them too, to people who are absolute third parties. And this happens as a rule. I’m yet to see exceptions really.
2] Even men gossip.Really I always thought they gossiped about things concerning them. But no they gossip and bitch just like we do, that is they bitch about any news, perhaps even more.
3] The idea of joking when they are indulging in PNPC is usually raunchy and derogatory. But as a rule they are doing just time pass.
4] The idea of being rude or impolite is often mistaken for having attitude when in reality its reflection of plain bad upbringing.
5] Its not possible for anyone to like every one. You will make some friends, be indifferent to some, and also you might dislike some. And it’s also not possible for everybody to like you, more so if you are not keeping any pretence whatsoever.
6] I finally understood the meaning of friends standing by you when you are in deep trouble. I mean it was always okay to assume people not being around, except for your parents when you are in deep trouble, and fight for your worth. But when parents were not around, going against the world at large does for a moment seem a scary proposition. But to know they will stick by you gives the much needed boost.
7] I actually stopped the habit of thinking a bit too much when been rudely spoken to, before retaliation I don’t attack people. If they choose to, now I don’t think twice to retaliate .I might, of course think to strategize what exactly to speak so that I’m satisfied. [LOL]
8] Seriously to be able to answer back to people trying to act too smart, or trying deliberately to ridicule you and to so called men of power gives me the ultimate high.

Life in Hyderabad

Hyderabad did give me the opportunity to do things I always wanted. To live life on the lines of dil chahta hai.right from late night parties, to drinking sessions in the hostel where people talk god knows what when they are high to being drunk beyond senses myself [yes the hangover is terrible] to spending the whole night with a group of friends in a barn, to celebrate of all things friendship day and being stuck there coz of not being aware of when public transport comes to a halt.
I mean life had its share of ups and downs there like any other place, but it was like a joyride. And the 8 months passed in a blur. I have spent a good 2 yrs at least in any other institution, and everywhere the first one year is perhaps the most enjoyable, and later it comes to a point of stagnation. but here I went, not knowing a soul, made friends ,acquaintances, vehemently disliked few, all in the course of various activities-curricular and extracurricular, and hardly did I feel the stagnation.
In particular I went from being in a stage of making new friends and discovering a lot of the intricacies of the human mind in the process in the first one month to feel really down cause of feeling disoriented and lost for not being able to ‘really connect’ with anybody and just being happy with the idea of enjoyment. It felt superficial and it was getting to me such that I was visibly upset. Thank god for that, coz that visible upsetting image got me real friends who stood by me, who I knew even with closed eyes would stand by me, and I was proved right. Again I witnessed cracks in the group of friends owing to the fact that some boys felt I intruded upon their privacy coz one of the people from the group took a fascination for me, or that some of us in the group just scored higher despite giving much less effort in acads.i still don’t see how are we responsible for getting higher marks without sufficient effort but there was indeed a bone of contention regarding the above two matters. Then there was an experience of facing the exams without any preparation whatsoever don’t think I ever did that before except for my class 12 where I did not even realize that I was underprepared [lol!!]
The toughest moment came when the examination was mired in controversies, and we in turn had to confess. It was a difficult moment. But I realized there’s nothing better than coming out clean with the truth. Albeit that’s a difficult thing to do, thinking about the consequences, but coming clean does have an edge. Yes people will tell u serves you right behind your back, but when u emerge victorious with your name cleared, you can feel the exhilaration in giving a slap back to the detractors, and I mean literally so. You actually know for real who your friends are, you acquire new friends when you have overcome the challenge victoriously and you force your detractors to lick their own spit.
The second SEM was different than the first SEM, coz d focus was not on adventures anymore so to say but to evolve as a human being. It was a different existence altogether for me to actually live life without caring about what others thought. I always thought I did not care before, but the reality was I did care but chose to ignore. But this time it was different. I just did not care. I did not feel the need to justify like before. I actually lived life without the guilt of seeing myself in a judgmental way through their eyes. It really was a burden free existence.
And I think this was the most important lesson from Hyderabad. To live with convictions, and really so. To show the people their place if they try to act smart no matter who they are, when you are right. And I came back armed with the understanding to actually live a fulfilling life that is with the appropriate foresight laced with confidence. Confidence to march in without detractors distracting you from your goals with their gimmicks.

Getting Started

Well I have to admit this. Ever since I started toying with the idea of blogging, my broadband went bust. And then when I finally did decide once for all that I WILL start blogging my computer too went bust. Phew!!!
Yesterday thankfully it was restored back in shape due to a very skillful and friendly neighborhood friend [paratuto bondhu].I came to know that he knows about the hardware stuff quite unexpectedly and needless to say I got my computer restored back the very same day. Yesterday marked one year of the day I joined my course of risk management in Hyderabad, and therefore I did want to collaborate the "anniversary" with the event of fulfilling a long planed thing.. yeah that’s blogging.
To start the blog indeed holds a lot of significance coz of the number of obstacles it faced so to speak. First with the debate on my mind of why do it at all, coz I anyways write a diary penning down my thoughts just to feel more lighter or maybe to help me streamline/iron out when there are too many voices in my mind[read confusion].when I did find the solution to this problem as in frankly speaking I did not find any logic telling me not to blog so I thought its best not to curtail a thing that I want so much god knows why, especially when there's no logic to stop me. The next obstacles came in the form of internet and the comp going bust sequentially. so when I finally found all the things just about ready, to start blogging and that it matched the other significant anniversary [I will just come to that] I thought it’s" the day" to start.
However as I was in the process of writing a post, the computer again went bust. I mean really!
So again my friend came to the rescue and here I’m doing the first thing after grabbing the comp lest any other misfortune befalls, and have the post ready.
I will just "start" from where I started yesterday and couldn’t finish it.
Well honestly 16 July 2007 marked the beginning of a new life for me away from home. No matter at what age u leave your home, your family and your hometown I suppose its always a mixed bag feeling of exhilaration, nostalgia and apprehension. I’m supposing that because I felt it. I remember it pretty vividly even now after a yr. and I don’t think that any other feeling can bee more natural than feeling nostalgic, apprehensive and an exhilarated feeling of freedom at last. I don’t think I ever knew what it was like to have a feeling that u would miss your own room, the color of the paint, the setting of the mirror, your own bed, your own study table and probably even your bathroom..Yes that’s correct; I really missed my bathroom too. in d last few days preceding my departure to another city I was heartbroken to leave the 'joints'” I frequented with friends, to leave park street and the restaurant’s, to not be able to see the lush greens of maidan, not to see new market. In short I was feeling the bong connection being strained if not broken.
Come on this was not the first time I was leaving the city. I leave it almost during every holiday for of course holidaying, and it wasn’t as if I was going to Hyderabad for a long time, it was for 8 months. But I was still having this very strong feeling. ya come to think of it every time I have left an institution I have left friends back to be just acquaintances with them later, considering how scattered we are pursuing our varied interests. Every time during farewell be it in school, college, university we all felt nostalgic but this strong nostalgia was very different. And really couldn’t place it logically except for thinking that maybe I knew I was going there to live all by myself away from the support system called family. I think I always knew that somewhere in my subconscious while I was leaving, to feel the strong apprehension and nostalgia. So strong were these two feelings that the happiness of getting the most awaited freedom was overshadowed!!
I think although this was in d subconscious-the fact of living all by myself in an unknown city, I could actually understand it the day I reached Hyderabad and my parents settled me in in a working woman's hostel, and asked me to spend the night there to get accustomed to it while they stayed in a room just across the street they had already booked a room where they could see me or more appropriately I could wave my hand.
That night looking at their lighted window it struck me real hard that the very next night I would be in d city all alone. I mean I now had them just near my reach, It was like what it used to be at home. We had separate rooms but we were pretty near to each other. But next night I wouldn’t have them and I WOULD have to face all situations by myself. I was 23 pretty old enough to take care of myself, used to taking care of myself too amidst the pampering and everything but THIS WAS apprehension bordering on fear.
I had to put a brave front to my parents, but I was really frightened. The only way I put aside my fears was to see whether I have the solutions in my mind to all possible worst scenarios that I conjured up. Coming up with the solutions as far as practicality entailed in thoughts some of my confidence came back. It got restored after two days of my parents going away and me managing everything smoothly.
But I must mention that a lot of things were made easier just because of my mom’s presence of mind. She had helped me or rather I had helped her rearrange my stuff in the room, and had managed that so well that it was very easy for me to maneuver around. It was so organized that it did not require time wastage to find the things. She had given 6000 Rs I remember in tenors and 50 notes for public transport .I had the accommodation fees ready for two months stacked in my cupboard and all my documents filed up. I really did not need to visit any store-medical/stationery/ATM/ anything for 2 whole months and by that time I had learnt so much about the new city that it really did not matter.
I’m not saying that people whose parents are not so thoughtful do not find their way out, or I’m not saying that had my mom not done it I would have been paralyzed. no nothing like that. But the gesture does give a lot of help psychologically. it helped me and so I wasn’t having to think about again to run errands apart from commuting to college in a new city without anybody from that campus living with me.
Although I need to keep a completely different post for my mom, which I will, sometime later, but for now its
Thank u mamoni for everything!!