Sometimes its difficult to comprehend why things are happening to you,the way they are.
Destiny has strange ways of shaking you up,grounding you to the reality.
There's a whole new perspective to things.
It is indeed very refreshing to be in focus,not to lose sight of the picture and not procrastinate.
Sometimes its cathartic to not let things be out of mind when they are literally out of sight.To hold on to the sight,and endeavor towards it is the key.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
COre
Hit rock bottom
then came epiphany
Am surprisingly upbeat despite the things around me looking bleak and somber
just two words for revamping
focus and sincerity.
:-)
(reader never mind,move on to the next post)
then came epiphany
Am surprisingly upbeat despite the things around me looking bleak and somber
just two words for revamping
focus and sincerity.
:-)
(reader never mind,move on to the next post)
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Bolt from the blue
Everything seemed right,nice and quiet
Till there was an uncharacteristic jolt,
That shook the quietude and the serenity of the soul
I Got caught in its mesh and was engulfed in its fury
It submerged every shred of reason and sanity I had,
And then it stopped,as abruptly it had come,just like that
and all that was left behind was smoke arising out of a dusty road,
and me standing alone,forlorn.
Finally it brought a realization that rocked me to the core.
Till there was an uncharacteristic jolt,
That shook the quietude and the serenity of the soul
I Got caught in its mesh and was engulfed in its fury
It submerged every shred of reason and sanity I had,
And then it stopped,as abruptly it had come,just like that
and all that was left behind was smoke arising out of a dusty road,
and me standing alone,forlorn.
Finally it brought a realization that rocked me to the core.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Darkness and light
Asatho Maa Sad Gamaya Thamaso Maa Jyothir Gamaya Mrithyor Maa Amritham Gamaya
Meaning:
Lead me from untruth to truth; Lead me from darkness to light; Lead me from death to immortality.
A skeleton tumbles out of my closet,Stares at me eye to eye
I stare back at it with disbelief,My eyes wide open
A feeling of queasiness and dejection overpower me,
I find myself plummeting down a pitch dark pit
My throat is dry and parched and a fear,a dread envelopes me
I'm cold,I'm shivering and I'm immobile.
I have lost all sense of time,the noises around me have dimmed,
I hear nothing,I see nothing,i feel only fear.
Suddenly I'm stirred,
I take a deep breath,Count to ten,try to focus,
A train of thoughts whiz past me,I try to hold on to them,
Try to make some sense of the indecipherable,incoherent mess
I try to keep my emotions at bay,It takes a lot of effort.
All I feel is an emptiness deep down,a sinking feeling.
But I know life has to go on,denial is no solution,
The burden has to be borne
I hope Time will ease the pain,will heal the wound,
I hope to see the light soon,I start to gather myself up.
Even if I limp,If I struggle,I have to trudge along,My goal has to be reached.
All is not yet lost,But I want to see ,when I look back to this time now,
That this has been a turning point,a rise of the phoenix from the ashes,
A new beginning from a decay,
I want to see amidst the distress,bruise and anguish ,
a lesson has been learnt,and learnt well
Meaning:
Lead me from untruth to truth; Lead me from darkness to light; Lead me from death to immortality.
A skeleton tumbles out of my closet,Stares at me eye to eye
I stare back at it with disbelief,My eyes wide open
A feeling of queasiness and dejection overpower me,
I find myself plummeting down a pitch dark pit
My throat is dry and parched and a fear,a dread envelopes me
I'm cold,I'm shivering and I'm immobile.
I have lost all sense of time,the noises around me have dimmed,
I hear nothing,I see nothing,i feel only fear.
Suddenly I'm stirred,
I take a deep breath,Count to ten,try to focus,
A train of thoughts whiz past me,I try to hold on to them,
Try to make some sense of the indecipherable,incoherent mess
I try to keep my emotions at bay,It takes a lot of effort.
All I feel is an emptiness deep down,a sinking feeling.
But I know life has to go on,denial is no solution,
The burden has to be borne
I hope Time will ease the pain,will heal the wound,
I hope to see the light soon,I start to gather myself up.
Even if I limp,If I struggle,I have to trudge along,My goal has to be reached.
All is not yet lost,But I want to see ,when I look back to this time now,
That this has been a turning point,a rise of the phoenix from the ashes,
A new beginning from a decay,
I want to see amidst the distress,bruise and anguish ,
a lesson has been learnt,and learnt well
Monday, August 17, 2009
Today
Today I don't want poignant silences,I want to pour my heart out
Today I don't want to hear the crickets chirping,I want to sing out loud
Today I don't want to contemplate,I want to throw my head back and laugh
Today I don't want to hold onto any grudges,I want to let go
Today I don't want to daydream looking at white fluffy clouds,I want to fly,
higher and higher,With my wings spread out.
Today I don't want to choke,I want to be silly and unperturbed and carefree.
Me
I walk,I sprint,I escape
I stumble,I falter and I drop down,
I cringe,I endure,I sigh
I gather myself up and I limp.
In the end however,I realize,
I still love to smile,want to live life,
even if its just for myself.
And so,I trudge along.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
one of the things
I realized every time while I'm reading something or watching a film,I have to pause it at regular intervals.Not because I'm bored,and need to take a break,but because something invariably is written in the book,or some dialogue being said in the movie,or some scenes take place that get me thinking.I try to get a perspective of the author or the screen writer.And boom I'm in the "analysis" mode.I don't know why I have to read between the lines.Why I have to sit and contemplate and feel the things,the emotions they portray.I don't know why I try and put myself in the shoes of the character and wonder whether I would have reacted the same way in the situation.Why I try and see if I,being myself have ever faced this before,and how I have reacted to it,and why had I reacted the way I did.
This is why a 120 minutes film gets over in 5 hrs,and a book which ought to be finished in 3 days take 5 days.
Sometimes I wish I could read and watch movies in an unconcerned,in an unaffected way.
But that would make me so placid and dead.
No I'd much rather be "involved".My life vibrates with the throbbing..
This is why a 120 minutes film gets over in 5 hrs,and a book which ought to be finished in 3 days take 5 days.
Sometimes I wish I could read and watch movies in an unconcerned,in an unaffected way.
But that would make me so placid and dead.
No I'd much rather be "involved".My life vibrates with the throbbing..
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Music
My life's stringed through many a song,
Which articulate the palette of emotions,
Moments of joy,splendor and speechlessness.
Moments of longing,agony and despair.
A drive down the lonesome highway,
With just the blue skies and lush green trees,
On either sides,
And the i Pod playing a track.
The long heavy sigh in my heart,
And the moisture in my closed eyes,
Force upon me the realization,
of what I lack.
The dream to love,the dream of holding hands,
The dream of a passionate embrace,
Kissing in the rain with a song in my mind,
With my heart thumping hard.
Many a times when words have failed,
Songs have been my only friend.
There have been times when I couldn't express,
Even with gestures I do best,
That's when I have hoped for the lyrics to do the rest.
Music brings in the moment,when nothing else matters,
Neither the pain of losing,nor the passion of want.
I know that music will be my life long friend,In my journey along.
'Tis What I hum even in the bustling crowd.
it is one of the very few things that can never go wrong
Which articulate the palette of emotions,
Moments of joy,splendor and speechlessness.
Moments of longing,agony and despair.
A drive down the lonesome highway,
With just the blue skies and lush green trees,
On either sides,
And the i Pod playing a track.
The long heavy sigh in my heart,
And the moisture in my closed eyes,
Force upon me the realization,
of what I lack.
The dream to love,the dream of holding hands,
The dream of a passionate embrace,
Kissing in the rain with a song in my mind,
With my heart thumping hard.
Many a times when words have failed,
Songs have been my only friend.
There have been times when I couldn't express,
Even with gestures I do best,
That's when I have hoped for the lyrics to do the rest.
Music brings in the moment,when nothing else matters,
Neither the pain of losing,nor the passion of want.
I know that music will be my life long friend,In my journey along.
'Tis What I hum even in the bustling crowd.
it is one of the very few things that can never go wrong
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Vain..
Vain attempts to let go
familiar reversion of the mind,
the cries of anguish and despair
A feeling of disappointment and disbelieve
stares at me.
My attempts of dismemberment,
goes in vain.
Nothing fits,none can reassure,
The tears won't stream down
as obstinate as they are,
The heart aches at the
Futility of it all.
familiar reversion of the mind,
the cries of anguish and despair
A feeling of disappointment and disbelieve
stares at me.
My attempts of dismemberment,
goes in vain.
Nothing fits,none can reassure,
The tears won't stream down
as obstinate as they are,
The heart aches at the
Futility of it all.
Hope
Why is that when all reasons,all sense of logic tells me I'm staring into a dead end,my heart refuses to believe it?..why does it somewhere deep down refute all the reasoning..and cling onto a very very faint ray of hope?
a ray of hope that just refuses to die,defying all sense of logic?
I hope I'm not living in a fool's paradise..being drawn into the mirage,against my sense of reasoning..
the hope just refuses to die..
a ray of hope that just refuses to die,defying all sense of logic?
I hope I'm not living in a fool's paradise..being drawn into the mirage,against my sense of reasoning..
the hope just refuses to die..
Clear blue skies,white fluffy clouds streaked across it,lush green trees with bright orangish flowers..the molten rays of the sun after a heavy rainfall..the smell of the wet earth..and fat chubby smiling Johnson powder smelling babies..
These are a few of my favorite things..always bring a smile to my face and a spring in my step..
Wish I could stall these moments..just like a photograph captures the good moments..wish I could grasp these moments in my fist..to make it mine..
But it eludes me..
Maybe that's why I treasure it so much..long for it with an aching heart..
Maybe that's why its so special
These are a few of my favorite things..always bring a smile to my face and a spring in my step..
Wish I could stall these moments..just like a photograph captures the good moments..wish I could grasp these moments in my fist..to make it mine..
But it eludes me..
Maybe that's why I treasure it so much..long for it with an aching heart..
Maybe that's why its so special
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Complicated
I'm watching this flick "he's just Not that into you"..
It's a nice movie..funny and a little bit insightful too.
I still haven't quite finished it..but I had to write what came into my mind ..
which is.... it suddenly struck me its been a while I was in the dating scene although its been ages I have been single..really ages..But I really haven't been in the dating world so to speak.
Its scary..by the looks of it..guy meets you,you seem to have a nice time,he drops hints..then calls /doesn't call what could it mean...really mind boggling stuff.
I'm scared I don't wanna date..But I will have to eventually date when I wanna settle down or I do meet someone interesting enough to spur me to come out of my reluctance.
It sure is a risky proposition..but I'm guessing it will be a good experience too.
Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian..life would be a lot simpler..
Understanding men is very very complicated..and I think it's the stupid heart that gets in the way and not to mention the ego that escalates the problem manifold..
So either my pride or my heart has to stop feeling things or I rather be a lesbian..
sounds complicated?
hah!! tell me about it..
Friday, August 7, 2009
I have lost 6 kgs.
I have a very low haemoglobin count.
My blood pressure is abysmally low.
I feel lethargic and mentally exhausted even though I'm doing nothing.
The sky is perpetually overcast and its incessantly raining..there is dampness ,gloom and melancholy all over.
I had gone for a haircut to liven up my mood and the hairdresser chopped quite a lot of my tresses cos I was having split ends..
My hair is all fizzy and soggy due to the monsoons.
Added to that I have ONE central thought in my head which keeps droning like a overworked engine,even worse cos it has no tendency to stop anytime soon.It just keeps nagging at the back of my mind,like a child unattended to by the mom,except in this case giving attention to it is yielding opposite results.
To get rid of the thought there lies just one solution..to stop thinking but the thought just wont budge.No matter how much I try to think other things,divert my mind to other stuff,a voice keeps popping up and repeating.
The thought is one of a kind..its not a worry,it has no clear ball path..its just a nagging voice that tells just one thing and it starts with "but".
So in effect I have soggy chopped hair,I'm lethargic and I'm mentally exhausted trying to turn a deaf ear to the nagging..the sky is overcast and there is a damp melancholy oozing all over.And I look my worst cos I have lost 6 kgs.
Can it get any worse?
I have a very low haemoglobin count.
My blood pressure is abysmally low.
I feel lethargic and mentally exhausted even though I'm doing nothing.
The sky is perpetually overcast and its incessantly raining..there is dampness ,gloom and melancholy all over.
I had gone for a haircut to liven up my mood and the hairdresser chopped quite a lot of my tresses cos I was having split ends..
My hair is all fizzy and soggy due to the monsoons.
Added to that I have ONE central thought in my head which keeps droning like a overworked engine,even worse cos it has no tendency to stop anytime soon.It just keeps nagging at the back of my mind,like a child unattended to by the mom,except in this case giving attention to it is yielding opposite results.
To get rid of the thought there lies just one solution..to stop thinking but the thought just wont budge.No matter how much I try to think other things,divert my mind to other stuff,a voice keeps popping up and repeating.
The thought is one of a kind..its not a worry,it has no clear ball path..its just a nagging voice that tells just one thing and it starts with "but".
So in effect I have soggy chopped hair,I'm lethargic and I'm mentally exhausted trying to turn a deaf ear to the nagging..the sky is overcast and there is a damp melancholy oozing all over.And I look my worst cos I have lost 6 kgs.
Can it get any worse?
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Speechless
When the picture is in my mind,its my imagination which renders the colours to it..
When words are hard to find..its my expressions that do the talking..
like the misty eyes,the lump in my throat..the coy smile,the mischievous glint..the red face..
Sometimes the sonorous silence is cathartic.. :)
When words are hard to find..its my expressions that do the talking..
like the misty eyes,the lump in my throat..the coy smile,the mischievous glint..the red face..
Sometimes the sonorous silence is cathartic.. :)
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Phew!!
Life is indeed a strange brew!! or rather Life is a really like box of chocolates!!
It is really very difficult to enjoy something and Not want it to last forever..
That's when it hits you that future is not in your hands..that's when you realize you are NOT in control..
Sometimes I wish I was in control..sometimes I wish its good in a way that I can't be in control-it takes away a Big responsibility off my shoulder..
I wish I could make up my mind..
I'm afraid to WANT something too badly lest I have a change of mind..
I'm also afraid to want something coz I'm not too sure if it's really good for me..
I"m also afraid to want things cos I'm afraid that I won't get them and I will be dejected!!
phew!!
I wish I had the blue print of the BIG PICTURE..
but would life be good if it were not a game? I wonder..
All i can ever do is wonder and hope that I don't make mistakes and even if I do I hope they don't become too BIG ..
I wish my thinking stopped...It sometimes is a big headache..coz all I do is go round and round the mulberry bush and in the process I don't get to enjoy what is happening..
phew!!
P.S It's a gloomy day..but I don't feel too gloomy...maybe it's cos I had a good sleep..dammit I will not think why...I don't feel gloomy..that's it..
I have to really start enjoying the journey rather than keep harping on the destination...phew!! heavy stuff there :D
It is really very difficult to enjoy something and Not want it to last forever..
That's when it hits you that future is not in your hands..that's when you realize you are NOT in control..
Sometimes I wish I was in control..sometimes I wish its good in a way that I can't be in control-it takes away a Big responsibility off my shoulder..
I wish I could make up my mind..
I'm afraid to WANT something too badly lest I have a change of mind..
I'm also afraid to want something coz I'm not too sure if it's really good for me..
I"m also afraid to want things cos I'm afraid that I won't get them and I will be dejected!!
phew!!
I wish I had the blue print of the BIG PICTURE..
but would life be good if it were not a game? I wonder..
All i can ever do is wonder and hope that I don't make mistakes and even if I do I hope they don't become too BIG ..
I wish my thinking stopped...It sometimes is a big headache..coz all I do is go round and round the mulberry bush and in the process I don't get to enjoy what is happening..
phew!!
P.S It's a gloomy day..but I don't feel too gloomy...maybe it's cos I had a good sleep..dammit I will not think why...I don't feel gloomy..that's it..
I have to really start enjoying the journey rather than keep harping on the destination...phew!! heavy stuff there :D
Saturday, August 1, 2009
sigh!!
I realized there is a a lot of difference between when you KNOW you have to accept something eventually and when you Have to accept it..
It hurts..the mind is numb.. confidence is ebbing..
It will take a while to pick up the pieces...
sigh
It hurts..the mind is numb.. confidence is ebbing..
It will take a while to pick up the pieces...
sigh
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)