I have all the freedom in the world now.I have all the time in my hands,like I have always wanted.No constraints seem to bind me.Yet I want to take a sabbatical from it all.All of a sudden I want to be left alone.I don't feel like talking,I don't feel like meeting people.I don't like the bonhomie.I want to be all alone,by myself surrounded with big fat books,music and paintings that I love.I want to be transported to a sun kissed beach,with the waves caressing my feet,and the orange hues of sun spreading across to welcome an idyllic dawn...I want to be under a orange blue sky,amidst lush green trees I don't think I have all the freedom..I'm still stuck in my room...
But I really do want to take some time off from everybody and everything..do things at my pace.I wish the incessant noise in my mind,in my brain just stopped. I want to be away from the din,the cacophony,the clamor.
I want to "become comfortably numb.."
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Today I was going to the South City mall,to watch a film(Madly Bangalee) at the multiplex.At this place Taratala,I had to switch autos.As I went near the auto stand and asked which auto was south city bound, I was pointed at a direction by a person,presumably an auto driver ,and he told someone there to tell me exactly which one to get up on.While I was walking in that direction,this tall bespectacled guy in three quarter pants,and a T shirt with a stubble flipped his fingers to beckon me.I thought cool.. Two minutes later I realized he was the auto driver.More than being disappointed I was startled.In kolkata,and I presume in India,it is very easy to "classify" drivers.I don't know but somehow you just know one,when you see one..just like when you know someone is a student or a lecturer.
This bespectacled cool guy,well dressed with a stubble did not fit in at all.It was like fish out of water.I don't know why,but it startled me.
I wish everybody took a cue from this guy and dressed in a way that it would be difficult to tell who is what,what kind of a financial status they belonged to,what they do for a living.I so wish a day comes when we just can't "classify" and judge others on the basis of appearance,of any kind.
You give me pain, but you bring me pleasure Get out of my life You bring me pain, but you give me pleasure Don't know what I like -Judas Priest
I loathe it when my head and my heart are divergent in it's views and opinion.I strongly believe in the fact that the head is above the heart.But I have tough time-a really hard time when I have to listen to my head and my heart is totally uninterested.I know I should follow my head,but the pain that my heart generates in having to align itself with my head is overwhelming.It leaves me dejected and discombobulated.
Presently I'm going through this phase when my heart refuses to listen to any kind of logic my head is providing with.I'm thus an emotionally high strung bitch who is all jittery and vexed-snapping at people who want to help me and who care for me.
I hate my heart at the moment.It's making me give importance to unwanted things and unimportant people.I seem to find no energy and spirit in doing any thing.I'm all sullen.
I'm seeing blue all around me.I don't like it.
I wish I could trust Dire Straits when they sing this:
Baby I see this world has made you sad Some people can be bad The things they do, the things they say But baby Ill wipe away those bitter tears Ill chase away those restless fears That turn your blue skies into grey
Why worry, there should be laughter after the pain There should be sunshine after rain These things have always been the same So why worry now
“When the spirits are low, when the day appears dark, when work becomes monotonous, when hope hardly seems worth having, just mount a bicycle and go out for a spin down the road, without thought on anything but the ride you are taking.”-Arthur Canon Doyle
My mind is in a turmoil.I know not what to do.Nothing seems right.I have so much to do and there is so little time.I'm feeling down,I'm feeling lonely..Nothing feels good..My health is suffering,I feel lethargic,yet I cannot rest,nor do I feel "upto it"
There is something seriously wrong.My spirits are low.I feel my confidence is down in the dumps.I don't even feel like doing anything-not even the things I like,yet I want to do them so much.
Is it my health or is it my mind?"the spin down the road" seems like a Herculean task right now,even metaphorically..
I wish I could shed tears to let the obscure burden be off,but they seem to have dried up..
I feel like I'm in a abyss- a pitch dark gloomy mess
She was out in the veranda at 5 Am in the morning.Up on the tenth floor,she had a beautiful view of the city's skyline against the backdrop of the early morning sky,ushering in the first rays of the sun.The sun was a orange ball peeping out slowly,inch by inch,just as a dolphin peeps out from the sea waters.Down below the traffic was very thin,yet the people on the streets seemed to be in a perpetual hurry-with the newspaper boy cycling vigorously and knowing which paper to drop where, without looking at his various bundles stacked,with mom's hurrying with the toddlers who have a morning session of play school,to scribble the alphabets and play with the plasticine.The milk man and the vegetable vendors and the person selling fish and the delivering the chicken,all hurrying to get to their workplace faster to sell more.
The garbage pick up truck comes and spoils the tranquility of the locality.Down the street the fresh flowers were being put on display,brightening and livening up the atmosphere both with their beauty and their scent. She saw the morning walkers also moving at a brisk pace-old men wearing shorts ,with shoes laced up et al trying to remain fit and also spending time at the park,making buddies..health conscious youngsters jogging.She noticed the neighborhood tea shack opening,to make the first kettle of tea,to serve it along with the kachuri and the aloo ka dum,street style,steaming hot to the morning passer by's..
she saw the birds crying in various decibels and busy with their chores.
A sense of urgency seems to have taken over everybody despite an idyllic dawn.She took a long breath,sighed and turned around to get busy herself,to get into the "hurry" mode.
Today I was out on the street under the blazing sun at 2 in the afternoon.The weather here can be best described as harrowing and agonizing.and around 2 when the sun is at it's peak form the pain is excruciating.The heat seemed through rip my skin-the burning sensation was like needles being pricked on my skin.Added to that was the humidity that was making it even worse. I took a cab for transport to have some respite.Buses seemed like overcrowded boxes of tin and the idea of getting up on one was unfathomable... Sitting next to the window and having hot air blown at my face ,I passed an old man waiting at the bus stop,lots of middle aged women wearing synthetic saris and perpetually wet ,holed up inside the bus,some sitting,some standing-they seemed to be in a group going somewhere together;a cycle rickshaw puller with a fat couple,some people sleeping on the pavements wearing torn clothes and kids playing wearing nothing..
Lots of people in different sizes,shapes gender and age bracket,united in one thing-all of us are facing the same blistering heat,and trying to be comfortable within our means..
I shudder to think about exchanging places with that old man who has to take a bus in this harsh weather.I wonder what it must be for the numerous daily wagers who have to be out to earn their bread. I feel very guilty that I can afford to take the most comfortable public transport,when there are millions who cannot afford it and have to suffer.Yet I cannot bring myself to forgo the privilege and join them.
I feel bad but I'm too selfish to sacrifice.All I do is thank God everyday for the good fortune I have and I pray that it remains forever ..meanwhile I also hope that someday ,someday all the sufferers get to share my privilege..
I wish I knew what to do to make the latter happen..
1. I still have the ink mark on my finger, the one that was put on my finger the day I had gone to vote. It’s been over a month now. And it’s not showing any signs of going away any time soon.
2. I don’t like to cut my nails, not because I want them long. I don’t like long nails or putting nail polish, but I don’t like cutting them either. The worst part is my nails seem to grow in like every 3 days. They like tormenting me and making me do things I don’t want to do.
3. I like long hair. But my hair doesn’t seem to grow beyond one point. Yet when I go to my hair dresser, she’s always scolding me that I’m long over due for a trim, and that I’m neglecting and spoiling my good hair.
4. Before every exam, some eventful thing of extreme importance happens in the world.
In my masters exam the serial blasts on the trains in Mumbai happened, before my CFA level 1 exam 26/11 happened. Before my level 2, Aila happened..
5. For the first time, I realized mountains are actually really huge. From the ground they look huge, that’s pretty okay, but this time when I was going to Kathmandu,we were above the clouds, and so were the Himalayas. Just as high as the flight, above the clouds. Boy! That’s huge..
I was all of 5 years when i had gone to Nainital.It's a beautiful lake resort which nestles amidst seven hills in a lush valley at an altitude of 1938 mts. In 1841, the British first discovered Nainital as a holiday resort.It is popularly known as the "lake district" of India.
I don't remember in intricate details much about that trip but I found that the weather was fantastic and the place was beautiful and exotic.It was cold but pleasant. Air was fresh and crisp and the sight of trees of the mountains filled my eyes and my heart.IT is covered with Sal ,Pine ,Oak, Buruns, Kaphal and other trees growing unto 6000 ft. along with Deodar , Surai etc. at higher altitudes.
We were staying at a sprawling bungalow-it had a large garden with lush green grass,beautiful bright colored flowers and a quaint little shack where you could sit and read and sip tea.The dining room was oak paneled.The living room was designed in Victorian style and the decor was very classy.In all I felt back then that I was transported to those enchanting places I saw in English movies.
We spent around a week or maybe 10 days there..and I loved every moment of it.My mother used to hurl me out of my sleep at 6 AM(that's the only bad thing) and get me ready(taking a bath in that chilly morning for a 5 year old is a pain)..I used to be all excited to a have a very English breakfast of porridge and omelet in that oak paneled room,with napkins and all...as a kid it felt regal...Then I used to play in the garden,read my fairy tales for an hour and then we used to go out..
Once we had gone to the lakes for a boat ride..I saw many dragon shaped pedaling boats. We were seated in a wooden row-boat. The boat-man explained the lake had natural groundwater which was supplied to entire Nainital.There were so many ducks,all dazzling white with bright yellow beaks,wading in the water..I remember touching one of them and remember splashing water on one and seeing it vigorously brush it off..
Once we had taken the rope way..it was my first aerial view of sorts....I remember looking at the mountains in the distance and wondering if the snow was vanilla ice cream..I wanted to touch the snow..
I rode a horse for the first time...The horse owner's daughter took a liking for me and made me sit with her and took me for a ride..I loved the wind rushing by and sweeping my hair back..I remember wanting some more of it...I had made a mental note to learn horse riding one day..(it still remains a wish).
Once we had gone shopping and I realized that's the most boring thing one can possibly do..I remember not liking the bustling crowd-it reminded me of streets in esplanade where there's jostling and pushing and a lot of haggling..and I remember thinking aren't we on a holiday to be away from all of that!!..and then I saw queer wooden pieces on sale,and I got very interested in the idea of helping mom in selecting the pieces..It was difficult to choose -everything was so cute and pretty and dainty..
And then we returned,but those 10 days or so were one of the best moments of my life..
1. It just occurred to me my Mom has not yelled,scorned,smirked,frowned or ignored me for almost a week now.I wonder what's wrong?-Is it me or her...whatever it is ,it's a very unsettling pleasant change.I'm not sure I like the queasy feeling..but neither am I sure whether I want to end the peaceful tranquility.
2.It rained here after a very bad patch of grueling heat.My dad just now informed me,we are going to have some awesome biryani for dinner.I'm already salivating....can't wait to gorge on it.
3. Classic Beatles still occupies a special corner in my heart-especially Abbey road and Sarge' peppers....
When I was a kid ,my parents took me for a vacation in Puri. It is one of the oldest cities in the eastern part of the country. It is situated on the coast of the Bay Of Bengal and is a popular beach resort.It's also considered a holy place of pilgrimage in India-the site of the one of the four cardinal institutions established by Adi shankaracharya .Most importantly it houses the world famous Jagannath temple. So a vacation in puri serves the purpose of leisure,pilgrimage and good Oriya food in a package,plus it's very close to kolkata.
Anyway so that trip was my first tryst with the sea.Never had I seen such a huge expanse of water ever before.The gushing waves terrified me-I was only three years old..yet I remember the fear vividly.My parents went ahead to wet their feet in the water,and I howled out.I thought the sea would engulf them.For a moment I thought I would lose my parents because the sea would literally gobble them up in one shot.But the waves came,glided across their feet,and receded.It again came and did the same thing.I stopped howling,I was looking at it with skepticism now-and then my parents cajoled me to join them ...They held my hands and told me to trust them.I did but ,nevertheless was anxious as the waves were coming towards me...And then they came..and I felt the smoothness of the frothy water as it embraced my feet upto the ankles and went further behind me..I turned to look at how it wet the sands,and then began to retrace it's journey back..and then I felt a queer thing as the water receded..it seemed to pull me ,but yet not forcefully..it was like a small tug and the sand beneath my feet moved a tad..and it felt ticklish...it brought a smile on my face..and finally when the water had gone back I saw the imprint of my feet on the sand,where I was standing when the waves had come ...that brought a gleam into my eyes.... and a grin to my face
And that was it..ever since that day I fell in love with the sea..I love it's salty taste,I love the low growling of the vast expanse of water,i like the salty smell of the sea shores,I love the sand and making the sand dunes and breaking them and remaking them,I like to pick up sea shells,I love the glistening waves....I love the sun rising and setting on the brink of the ocean looking like the yolk of an egg...I simply love the sea..I feel at home
I so wish sometimes I was very ,very dumb..I so wish I could never get what the other person is telling is not true,that the person doesn't mean a word..I so wish I could not see through the facade..I so wish I could fall in love with the most imperfect mean guy who just looks dashing and is intelligent and sweeps me off with a gregarious sense of humor and amazing poetry,who would dump me ..cause me emotional anguish and leave me with a broken heart and wounded pride..I so wish I could then make sense of all the soppy love songs..I so wish I could wail out loud,scream in despair,loathe myself ...I so wish I could then finally pick myself up,dust off the dirt,wipe off the tears and make a whole new beginning..
I so want to wipe my slate clean and begin afresh..not because I loathe my life-I don't,on the contrary I quite like it..but I'm aching to make that new beginning after the decay..to start something after everything is ruined..
But alas that's not to be..I don't know why I have to get the truth behind everything people say with sugar coating,Don't know why i have to see through the facade..and I don't know why most importantly I have to guard so fervently my precious heart...I so wish i could set it free,leave it unprotected and not stand guard like a bird so ferociously guards her little ones..I so want to know how it feels to be heartbroken in love,to make sense of all the sad songs in the world ,to touch a chord somewhere and I'm so disappointed about the fact that I can't let go..
"Beware the Ides of March,"was the soothsayers warning-and ever since those times indeed ,march middle has been associated with something big,and not in a nice way. Friday the thirteenth is a scary day.My father was born on the thirteenth march,and it was a Friday and he is a living genius-definitely not a ghost.So all the superstitions could be misplaced.But that's not what I want to talk about.I digress. This year the ides of march came in ,and my life changed a great deal.Ever since the middle of march I'm feeling things I so don't want to feel,Seen things I only wished were in the movies and books,and it happened to others.I have faced things I have dreaded all my life or probably convinced myself will always steer clear of,and surprisingly taken it in my stride pretty well,with dignity intact. Let's talk about the tangible things.Ever since March I'm a confirmed insomniac.I just cant sleep at night-suits me fine,I stay at home all day,so in effect I sleep all day.The only thing I regret is not seeing the sunrise for like 4 months now and the breakfast now consists of the things people have for lunch.:-) But also these few months have opened new doors for me.I have learnt to appreciate literature ,art,politics ,finance in a whole new way.All the things that were stacked up before in my to so list,is actually slowly turning into my done list.I find myself more confident,more versatile,more in sync with the world and more importantly I'm closer to understanding what the intellectuals talk about and also I can participate in a "intelligent" discussion without feeling like an out cast. Previously,I just understood what they were saying to an extent and tell myself damn I still have'nt got around to know about it-daammit!!...now it's like I can contribute to the discussion.
All the blogs I read before and was over awed..when I re read them I still appreciate them but it's no more gigantically overwhelming.Yes I'm evolving :-D
Gosh I love my life.I'm glad the " ides"of march came and that my life's not been the same ever since.I like ,I like it very much
